


The Mind's Eye

by The_Elephant_in_the_Pride_Parade



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Character Death In Dream, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25300690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Elephant_in_the_Pride_Parade/pseuds/The_Elephant_in_the_Pride_Parade
Summary: For the Janeway/Chakotay Image Prompt Fest (based off of images 23 by Jane-dee (chapter 1) and 84 by Torri012 (chapter 5):Kathryn Janeway hasn't felt quite right since she woke up on Kalidos IV. Her head wont stop throbbing. Her memory is fuzzy. And she's reeling from visions of Voyager's fiery death, and bizarre dreams about her fiancé, Kathryn must find a way to resolve a war between Kalidos and the aliens who destroyed her ship, all while trying to uncover the truth behind Voyager's destruction, and resisting her rescuers attempts to use her Starfleet weapons technology for their own gain.Most puzzling of all though - she's missing something important. Even with her memory so messy, she can't imagine why she ever would have taken it off.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 27
Kudos: 60
Collections: J/C Photo Prompt Fic Fest 2020





	1. Kath

**Author's Note:**

> I intended this to be a two-shot and then... oops my hand slipped. This will be 5 chapters. Going to upload the rest as fast as I can.
> 
> Huge huge thanks to Trekflower for the beta

It was well past curfew in the capital of Kalidos IV when the physician was summoned to the military hospital and told to prepare for a persuasion. The message was from the Head of Intelligence and the war department, who had de-funded his revolutionary research some months ago. 

“Finally come to their senses,” his wife said as he got out of bed. “They know your work will save us from this war.” 

He hoped so. Why send their own people to fight this taxing war with Ridos and their terrible technology when they could persuade their prisoners of war to do it for them.

His wife gripped his arm as he was about to leave. “Sorowen… If you do this… will Asprieg get to come home?” 

“If they have re-approved the project… yes, I think she can.”

The Presider had de-funded his research, uncomfortable with the ethics and insistent the massive amount of drugs and effort required to persuade an army’s worth of prisoners that they were soldiers of Kalidos was too costly and uncertain. Perhaps he had finally seen the cost to their own people was too high. 

He was confused though, when he arrived at the military hospital and could not see any large prison transport on the roof. But there was clearly increased security. He had no sooner arrived than he was ushered into an operating theater. 

The Head of Intelligence was there, beside him an alien body face downward. He frowned. The hair was red. He had never seen that color on a Ridonian.

“Doctor Sorowen,” the Head of Intelligence bowed to him. “Thank you for coming on such short notice.” 

“The persuasion program has been re approved?” 

The Head of Intelligence sighed, pressing six calloused orange fingers into the divot between his two noses. “I’m going to have to ask you not to discuss this with anyone, Doctor. Not even the Presider. This is strictly confidential.”

Sorowen stiffened. “What is going on?”

The Head of Intelligence turned to the operating table and turned the alien’s head to the side. Sorowen was startled. This was not a Ridonian nor a Kalidosi, in fact the pale epidermis and single nose were unlike any creature in their system. “What is this?” 

“She’s not from here,” the Head of Intelligence said. “She’s a high ranking military officer from a place I’ve never heard of. Some planet called Alpha… It’s not close by. She’s part of some long-term deep space mission. I had agents spying on the Ridonian astronomical symposium and her ship was in attendance… She understands their weapons. Her ship uses energy transportation. None of the Ridonians we have captured are scientists, my agents approached her for help.” 

“She refused though?” the physician whispered.

The Head of Intelligence nodded. “Doctor, my agents are familiar with your work… I have the materials here for you to do one persuasion. Her knowledge, on our side, could save us from devastation.” 

He hesitated. “Sir… we are not at war with her people. They have not wronged us” 

He raised his eyebrows. “They engage with Ridos… everyone in this sector knows of their heinous acts against us. So her people must be on their side. Perhaps they were even exchanging technology…” 

“And I designed this procedure for Ridonians,” he insisted. “I don’t know her species!” 

“We have thought of that,” the Head of Intelligence gave him an information stick. “One of her people’s doctors was at the conference to give a presentation on the effects of long-term warp travel… he was happy to provide his research, it has information on her species physiology.” 

Sorowen looked at the strange alien on the table. “I don’t know.”

“Doctor - you said your work could turn the tide of the war - we cannot win until we can combat their technology. Here I finally have a way to do that, and the only thing preventing me from saving us all is your conscience.” He shook his head. “You were perfectly willing to do this to Ridonians. This alien is their ally. It is one mind, Doctor, to save billions of our souls.” 

Sorowen thought of his daughter and son, one pulled out of school and conscripted into military training, the other lost in a vicious space battle.  He sighed and curled his hand around the information stick. “I’ll need two nurses, and a narrative. The one we have wont work if she is not from Ridos.”

“A suitable narrative is already uploaded to your mind mapping interface,” he said. “Let me know when it is done.”  The Head of Intelligence began to walk out.

Sorowen approached his subject, staring at the pale face.  “What is her name?” he asked. 

“Won't it be easier not to know?” the Head of Intelligence asked. 

“I need to know… for her re-education,” he insisted. “Outcomes are better.” 

The Head of Intelligence shook his head. “Captain Kathryn Janeway,” he said and left the room.

The physician turned the name over in his mind. It was an odd one. Too many letters and not any ‘s’es or “prie”s like women’s names on Kalidos. He plugged the information stick into the mind mapping interface, accessing information on the brain. He raised his brows. “You must be a long way from home…” he said. The structure was similar enough to Kalidosi and Ridonian brains, but the sheer size of the neocortex and thalamus were surprising. Those had minimized in the history of his species evolution, to provide focus and rest uninterrupted by unconscious thoughts. How could such a creature ever have the discipline for deep space travel? “That may prove challenging,” he muttered, immersing himself in the scientific puzzle to ignore the unsettled feeling he got as he stared down at Janeway. 

When he was sure of his approach he began to place the sensor nodes in the optimal locations on the cranium to access relevant portions of the brain. The alien on the table flinched as he set the first one between her eyes. He cursed. Her species must require more sedation than his own. He quickly administered an adjusted dose and waited until his subject relaxed. 

“I don’t like not knowing if you’re aligned with Ridos or not… but if it can stop the war… well maybe you’d understand that.” He sighed. Talking was not alleviating the unease in his stomachs. He turned and shifted the cart that held the interface so he could work without looking at his subject. He focused on the scans of her brain and reviewing the steps of the persuasion procedure. This was simple science. More proof of concept. 

He began to work. Behind his back the sensors along the cranium lit up green and blue and began to hum. The body on the table jerked but otherwise gave no resistance.

* * *

_ “Kath _ ” 

Kathryn looked to her left when he called her. Chakotay looked grave as he sat beside her, her eyes were drawn to his greying hair and the three pips gleaming on his collar. He was cast in the harsh flashing red of the emergency lighting. 

_ “Kath you need to leave _ ,” 

She looked around. Stadi was limping to the escape pod. Her fingers swiftly transferred helm control to the command console. “Get to the escape pod,” she told Chakotay.

“Captain,” she looked behind her at Tuvok. He looked visibly distressed as he moved shaking fingers across the controls at tactical. “That was the last torpedo. Phasers are down to 25%.” 

“Shields are fluctuating,” Lt. Kim called from Ops. 

“Harry, Get to an escape pod now,” she said. “Tuvok, Chakotay, you too. We’ll focus the shields on the bow, have the escape pods navigate towards the stern. I can shield your escape.” She typed commands frantically into her console. “I can give you enough time to get to the Kalidosi border, they will protect the escape pods.” 

“The crew needs their captain,”’ Chakotay argued. 

She wanted to protest, but another explosion rocked the bridge. “Port Nacelle!” Harry reported. “Lanna isn't responding.” 

Kathryn clamped down on the panic in her gut. As a burst of static echoed through the comm system. 

“Surrender and submit yourselves to judgement,” a harsh alien voice said. “Ridos will be respected.” 

She growled her fury and tried hailing them again. “We are on a peaceful mission!” she pleaded. “Please don’t fire.”

“Ridos will be respected,” their attackers repeated. “You will be an example to your people to show us that respect.” 

The aliens had not cared when they first swarmed in to attack that their people were in the Alpha Quadrant and were too far to ever be a danger to the Ridonians. Her pleas fell on deaf ears.

“Surrender and you will go quickly.”

“Kath!” Chakotay said again. “Kath - I need you to go to the escape pod.”

“Chakotay, don’t disobey my orders.” 

She felt a hand on her neck and turned. Tuvok was there, tears rolling down his face.

“Go,” she ordered.

“I’m sorry,” Tuvok said. “But I agree with your fiancé, my friend. The crew needs you.” 

“And I can’t leave you here to die, Kath,” Chakotay said. 

Before she could protest she felt the pinch of Tuvok’s hand on her neck. Her body went limp.

She woke up in an escape pod, and scrambled to the view-port, her head throbbing. 

_ Voyager  _ was limping through space outside, its shields flickering, the port nacelle sheared clean off. She could not even see it nearby. Around her fifty or so other pods were making their way through space. They were navigating towards Kalidos. She was drifting in the opposite direction. “Computer,” she said, crawling in the confined space to the small navigation console. “Set a course for the Ridonian flagship.” If she could target their warp core then  _ Voyager  _ and the crew might survive.

“ _ Unable to comply”  _ the computer said in Seven-of-Nine’s distinctive voice. “ _ Navigation systems are non-operational.”  _

She swore, looking between her injured ship, where Chakotay and Tuvok were still defending, and the fifty escape pods drifting out of range of its meager shields and towards the painfully far safety of Kalidos IV.

She pressed her hands to the view-port and then slammed a fist against it. “Manual controls?” she demanded of the computer. 

_ “Manual controls activated.” _

She was moving to them when the back of her neck prickled and the humming in her head intensified. She twisted back towards the view-port in time to see the flash of a tri-cobalt device shatter Voyager’s shields and punch through the hull into the belly of the ship.

A moment later she saw the shock wave of an exploding warp core and shouted as it rocked her escape pod and sent her tumbling through space farther from her crew. She lurched towards the manual controls, trying to stabilize herself.

When the rolling stopped, her head was still humming. She looked outside.

The Ridonian armada was advancing through a field of shimmering, metallic dust. Her stomach churned as she watched torpedoes launch from the first ship, they were aiming for the cluster of helpless escape pods inching on thrusters towards Kalidos.

“No,” she rasped and flinched as the torpedoes exploded one after the other into the tiny, helpless crafts, picking off Voyager’s escape pods one by one. In the distance, she could see salvation, the small Kalidosi fighters, hundreds of thousands of tiny ships advancing towards the imposing Ridonian destroyers. They were too far, she pressed her face to the view-port. They wouldn’t make it in time. She felt numb and dizzy, her head still humming and now throbbing with pain as she watched Voyager’s escape pods get blown to bits, one by one. Her eyes trained on the farthest, not an escape pod, but the faster Captain’s Yacht. Lanna was meant to be in that one, with Wildman and Naomi. She clenched her fists. If they could get to the Kalidos forces...

A torpedo sailed forth from the port side of the Ridonian flag ship. It struck the Yacht, blasting it to smithereens that scattered into the depths of space. She felt herself screaming.

Kathryn launched out of bed, her stomach revolting as she leaned over and lost whatever food she’d had that day all over the floor of the hospital room.

The humming was still in her ears and her head was heavy like a boulder sitting on her brain. She pressed her hands to her ears and curled in on herself as the memories assailed her. 

Her ship was gone. Her crew was gone. Chakotay was gone.

“Oh dear!” 

She saw orange, six-fingered hands enter her vision as she was coaxed to lie back. An alien face, with wide grey eyes and two narrow noses looked over her.

“Here, take this… it should help with the pain,” the person said. They wore an apron over a blue gown and had gloves and instruments tucked into the apron pockets. They picked out one, it looked like a hypospray, and pressed it to Kathryn’s wrist. “The physician said you might hear a humming in your ears. The Ridonian energy weapons do such terrible things.” 

She groaned. “My crew?” 

The alien nurse sighed. “Oh dear, I’m so sorry… the Ridonians are vicious. They didn’t leave any of the others. If you hadn't been drifting in the opposite direction, they would have got you too. As it is, we almost missed you.” Her hands were warm and her voice kind. “You’re in the military hospital on Kalidos IV… do you remember your name?” 

She struggled to sit up. “Captain Kathryn Janeway,” she croaked. “Of the Federation Starship Voyager.” She gripped the nurse’s arm. “Please, there have to be other escape pods. I only saw 50… you have to get me a ship. They are still out there.”

“Captain… I’m so sorry… no one else made it to the escape pods… we combed the battlefield with our best scanners… to collect our own dead… we didn’t find anything.” 

She shook her head. The humming in her brain seemed to be intensifying.

“It is… and I fear soon our people will join yours… we can’t stand up to the Ridonian weapons.” The nurse cupped her cheek. “Captain, your ship is lost… but your weapons did more damage to the Ridonians than even a squadron of ours. Please… we have more resources than your ship… You can help us bring them justice… save our people.” 

She shook her head. “Chakotay,” she closed her eyes. The memories were still fresh… his grim face in the emergency lights… greying hair and three pips

“ _ Kath,” _ he had said.

“Chakotay.. Is on your crew?” the nurse frowned. “I’m so sorry, Captain. The Ridonians leave no survivors.”

“This isn’t right,” she rasped.

The nurse sighed. She looked behind her. “Page Doctor Sorowen,” she said. “She seems resistant to the follow-up treatment. I need him to adjust the dose.” 

“Right away, Supriesa” 

Kathryn pressed her hands to her head. “Please… my ship,”

“I’m sorry, Captain,” the nurse said. “I know you’re confused… the Ridonians did a number on you… Just lay back. We’ll get something for your head soon.” 

She was coaxed to relax onto the pillow and felt something being pressed to the inside of her wrist, and something cool touch her forehead. 

“We’re going to do something about that headache,” the nurse said.

Kathryn immediately felt the humming ease but her vision began to spin.

“Chakotay,” she murmured as the room grew fuzzy and faded around her.

* * *

Three days after the persuasion procedure on the alien captain, the Head of Intelligence barged into Dr. Sorowen's observation room bright and early, startling the doctor who was avidly watching the large monitor beside his desk.

"Don't tell me you've had another set back!" he said. It seemed like each time he checked in with Sorowen, he was encountering some trouble with the alien. "Her brain is similar enough to ours. My medical specialists said there'd be no trouble"

"Clearly they aren't neurologists," Sorowen muttered, eyes never leaving the screen. "I think we've got it this time - the engrams containing the narrative are stabilizing and beginning to integrate with the rest of the brain. However… she refuses to believe her crew is dead without proof… but that is typical of a response to grief and trauma, and the simulated emotional responses are beginning to be reflected by the amygdala… So, I think we are on track now."

"Good.” The head of intelligence rubbed his chin. “Any ideas from your mind mapping on how best to approach her?"

"She enjoys some hot-dark-beverage... I don't know what it is, some sort of alien drink. And I glean that she's a problem solver. If you play to the narrative, and simply lead with our problem, the programmed responses should naturally motivate her to work with us."

The whole time he spoke, Sorowen had not looked away from the monitor. The Head of Intelligence raised his brows and looked at it as well. "She's put on the new clothes I see… and she understands our language?"

Sorowen nodded.

"And you say everything is going as expected?"

"Yes."

"Then why are you staring at her?"

Sorowen frowned. "She is producing the emotional response I programmed. But… she isn't… responding how I'd expect."

The Head of Intelligence looked again. Kathryn Janeway was sitting on the cot, dressed in a Kalidosi military tunic and pants rather than the hospital gown. The Captain's legs were crossed and her hands were steepled and drawn close to her bowed head. "She’s just resting, isn't she?"

Sorowen shook his head. "Her species rests lying down. This is some… focus exercise.”

"What about that wouldn't you expect?"

Sorowen looked at him exasperated. "Part of the narrative includes heightening the natural rage she should feel at the destruction of the ship."

"Yes, to prime her with the need for vengeance."

"Well with any typical subject, her room should be in shambles right now. Instead just this," he raised his hands, "this calm!"

The Head of Intelligence hummed. "Well, maybe your medical staff are treating her with kid gloves, letting her deny it. Never mind." He turned to leave the room. "I shouldn't have left this to you do-no-harm types"

* * *

The flash of the tri-cobalt beam impacting the warp core seemed to be seared into her brain. The memory repeated, awake or asleep, haunting her with its finality. 

Chakotay, dead. Tuvok, dead. All 151 of her crew, dead.

Kathryn took another centering breath and rubbed her trembling hands over her throbbing temples. 

She hadn't expected to feel like this.

When her father and Justin had died, she had woken up after the accident and felt nothing. They had chalked it up to pain medication at first, but the emotional numbness had persisted. Their faces and their bodies trapped in the cockpit as it sank never left her mind, dousing her in that cold emptiness that had sapped her of any motivation or will to move onward. It had taken months to feel or even  _ want  _ to feel anything…

Kathryn saw Chakotay’s face in her mind again as he had looked just before Tuvok had knocked her out. 

_ "I can't leave you here to die, Kath" _

Kathryn swallowed, trying to quell the feeling boiling in her gut when she thought of Chakotay - her fiancé. For so long, she had kept him at arms length because she feared the emptiness would return if he died, that she would be swallowed by that numbness again, leaving the crew without an effective captain.

In her mind’s eye, she saw the flash of the tri-cobalt device as it impacted her ship with Chakotay still inside. 

The numbness she had feared returning did not come. In its place, what had been building in her for days while she recovered was a blinding, white-hot rage. It made her head throb more and her muscles tense, leaving her itching for justice. 

It was frightening. But in a way, far easier to deal with.

When the rage had first exploded in her she had lain near paralyzed with the force of it. For lack of coffee or anything productive to take her anger out on, she had turned to meditation. Oh if Tuvok could see her now.

She drew another centering breath, trying to think of Chakotay as he had been, alive, and how he might counsel her now. 

Kathryn looked towards the window. The light outside was too bright, but the shape of the window and the color of the small bench beneath it reminded her clearly of her ready room. She imagined Chakotay there, standing before her couch, looking out at the foreign star-scape as he had so often through their journey…

His visage came to her as easily as her breath, pensive and tired in her memory. It had been barely a month into their journey, and the first night the two of them had had the chance to sit down together and simply be...

_ "When I went to Dorvan after the invasion, I didn't recognize the place, _ " he had said. It was so easy to imagine he was here in the room with her, that they were staring out at the stars as they had back then. It had been one of their first truly personal conversations.

_ "They’d razed every building to the ground. Poured acid over the fields and orchards, even burned the livestock along with the people,whoever they hadn't conscripted into mining work, that is." _

_ "The rage was… indescribable. It was like I lost my mind for a while,"  _ he had confessed.  _ "There were moments when I surfaced… when B'Elanna needed me or when Lon or Dalby got a little too zealous… I tried to draw the line on what we would and wouldn’t do, what targets we should choose or avoid… but it was so hard… I wanted them to feel that pain too…" _ he had hung his head.  _ "It's an awful feeling" _

Kathryn recalled the familiar sensation of how warm his chest was beneath his uniform. It had been one of the first times she had touched him so intimately.  _ "I don’t see that in you now. I can't imagine how you could move past that." _

Chakotay had turned and looked at her and his hand had covered hers on his chest.  _ "I felt that… rage.. right up until I met you here," _ he said.  _ "I know it's a terrible situation, but being away from all that violence… and when you asked me to be your XO… I had to find a way back to who I was at Starfleet..."  _ he had looked out at the stars. _ "It forced me to grieve. I hadn't done that before." _

Kathyn closed her eyes as tears spilled over. God, how she ached for him to be here... she could almost imagine him here speaking to her now, standing facing her: Her fiancé...with his three pips always polished and his just-barely-regulation grey hair. The memory-Chakotay frowned as if concerned for her. She could imagine him sitting down on her bed, reaching out to touch her shoulder, sensing she was struggling. 

_ _

_ "Kath?" _

The loud  _ wooosh  _ of the hospital room doors parting startled Kathryn out of her imaginings. She glanced over at the bench under the window. Her conjured Chakotay was not there, just a figment of her imagination. 

She shifted her attention to the open door, where a very tall, square-shouldered Kalidosi man was striding in. He held two steaming cups, and carried himself with a rigid, military bearing. Kathryn automatically sat up straighter in the hospital bed, reaching up to dash her tears off her cheeks

“Captain,” the Kalidosi greeted her. He held out one of the steaming cups. “My name is General Lemop, Head of Kalidosi Intelligence. I’m glad to see you are recovering from your injuries.” He shook his head. “You were terribly unlucky. Ridos sees themselves as the next dictators of this system. Your whole ship, gone… such an unnecessary act. You have my sympathies .” 

Kathryn popped the lid off the hot cup of liquid and sniffed. It had a jasmine-like scent, and was dark like coffee. She took a hearty swig and grimaced. It was like swallowing a sugar cube. “What is the status of the recovery operation?” she demanded.

General Lemop frowned. “Captain… regrettably there is nothing to recover. The Ridonian weapons vaporized your ship and their torpedoes did the same to your escape pods.

She shook her head. “The hull is tritanium,” she insisted. When he looked blankly at her she tried to explain. “Tri-cobalt beams… would disrupt its structural integrity… but even a core breach cannot vaporize tritanium.” She fisted the bedsheets. “Scan the area again… there has to be some section still intact… emergency life-support equipment is housed on every deck... There could be survivors.”

Lemop’s frown deepened. Both his thin noses twitched. “Captain, you’re not hearing me,” he said. “The explosion was too powerful… your ship was without adequate shielding. It was totally destroyed by the Ridonians.” He sipped his drink. “You're the only survivor.”

Kathryn shut her eyes and clenched the sheets as the rage surged through her anew. 

“I've lost half my fleet to them just this year," Lemop explained. "They're vicious, they see no reason. They show no mercy." He looked down at her. "They need to be held to account for what they've done to my people - and to yours."

Kathryn felt herself reacting to his words, the rage building in intensity. 

Chakotay’s voice climbed up through her jumbled thoughts: " _ I lost my mind for a while." _

She willed herself to focus. "I can't think about holding them accountable until I know the status of every member of my crew," she insisted. "I only saw 50 escape pods leaving the ship… that would only hold two-thirds of my crew complement - I need your logs of the battle, and your sensor scans. Whatever is left of  _ Voyager  _ may have been sucked into a… a fold in subspace or a spontaneous pocket dimension, or have been carried further than expected by the blast…" she started to stand and was immediately hit by a throbbing in her head and a strong sense of vertigo.

General Lemop grabbed her elbow, steadying her and lowering her back to the bed. "Easy, Captain," he sighed. "I will of course try to get you the proof you require. Although Ridonian battle cruisers are in our system 27/7. Some scans will be impossible, and I think you'll find no stranded crew could survive up there with Ridonians for long." He squeezed her shoulder. "I saw your ship… you held your own for a while in that fight. Once you’re recovered, perhaps we could talk about how you were able to do that."

She nodded warily, "of course." Kathryn looked down at her left hand, frowning at the bare finger. "My ring…" she murmured. 

Lemop frowned, "You were not recovered with a ring, Captain."

Kathryn shook her head. That couldn't be right. Chakotay would get her a ring. "But…" her headache suddenly spiked and she pressed both hands to her forehead. "It would be in the escape pod," she insisted. "It looks like…" she winced as her whole head throbbed. "I can’t… think."

"You sustained concussive injuries from the blast," he said. "Memory problems are common." He walked towards the door. "Rest, Captain. I will check on your recovery tomorrow."

As Lemop left, a doctor slipped past him. "Don’t worry, Captain." She vaguely recognized the doctor who had kept close to her the last few days. He scanned her with a clunky looking device and said. "Ridos weapons commonly affect the memory. Everything should come back soon," he lifted something resembling a hypospray. "This should help," he pressed the instrument to her wrist. In seconds, the throbbing in Kathryn’s head subsided. She blinked heavily and in place of the throbbing, a fuzziness was suffusing her thoughts, as if her head was stuffed with cotton.

"I will have one of the nurses bring lunch. If the headache remains improved, we can see about getting you out for a walk," he bit his lip. "May I ask what triggered the headache this time? It may be important. Captain? 

She frowned down at her left hand. There had been something… "I was… thinking about my Fiancé," she murmured as her hands fell away from her face. The room was starting to get fuzzy. “Don’t have… my ring.” 

As the alien captain succumbed to the side effects of the drug that would assist her brain with the integration of the narrative, Dr. Sorowen stared down at her frowning. She had not been recovered with a ring. What’s more, he had not seen one when he had reviewed the information in the mind mapping device. Sorowen retreated to his observation lab. Maybe he had missed something.


	2. Unconscious Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humans are naturally resistant to mind control. Something the Kalidosi will find out the hard way. Kathryn finds out what the Kalidosi want from her.

_ The ring gleamed from the lights of the stars streaking past and from the warm flickering of the candles set out on her dining table. Kathryn stared at the delicate words carved into the tritanium, marveling at the precision he would have needed to make this. She watched his warm, bronze hands slip it onto her finger, twisting it this way and that to admire the tiny blue gems spaced between the inscription along the band. _

_ She looked up at Chakotay’s adoring face and cupped his cheek. “It’s beautiful,” she said, caressing his face and skimming her fingers through his soft grey hair. She squinted at the band. “What does it say, it’s too dark to see. _

_ Chakotay took her hand and kissed the ring. “Love, that exempts no one beloved from loving, Seized me with pleasure of this woman so strongly, That, as thou seest, it doth not yet desert me.”  _

_ She blinked, withdrawing her hand. His words echoed around her chambers, somehow both beautiful and strange. “What?” _

_ He smiled at her. “It may be a little morbid if the text is taken literally… but I quite like those traditional romantic philosophies about love. And I love you with my whole being, Kath. We have our whole lives in one way or the other. Even in death, I don’t think you could be parted from me.”  _

_ She stood and Chakotay stayed kneeling. For a moment his eyes looked blue. “What?”  _

_ Chakotay rose to his feet as he spoke again. ““I found myself within a forest dark, for the straightforward pathway had been lost. Ah me! How hard a thing is to say, what was this forest savage, rough, and stern, which in the very thought renews the fear. So bitter is it, death is little more...” He cupped her face. “That passage speaks to me of your strength, Kath. I’ve seen how you fought your way out of your own dark wood last year. I want you to know I don’t expect you to act as though it’s all behind you. All you’ve survived and endured...I wish I could take away your pain, but I hope instead, you’ll trust me to share it with you.”  _

_ She ran her hand through Chakotay’s grey hair and looked him over, the candle light flashed sharply across his three pips. “Why are you quoting Danté?” she asked. _

_ Suddenly the door to her quarters burst open.  _

_ “Captain!” Commander Mark Johnson stood at attention as he addressed her. “We’re prepared to fire on the Ridonian science conference at your command. _

_ Kathryn turned away from Chakotay. “Why would we do that?” she looked Mark over. He looked strange with his close-cropped black hair and a uniform that was too big in the shoulders. Strangest of all was the rank bar on his collar. “When did you get a field commission?” _

_ “Your orders? Captain?” Mark replied. _

_ Then the room around her wavered. Things on her shelves shook. She saw the red alert lights flash on and turned back to Chakotay. _

_ He was suddenly wearing a starfleet uniform just like Marks. And he even had marks close-cropped black hair and the rank bar. “Chakotay?”  _

_ He didn’t speak. And then she cried out in horror as he began to fade away, vanishing from her quarters. She looked down at the ring just as the tritanium melted right off her finger. _

* * *

Kathryn rubbed her temples as her dream from the night before came back to her, trying her best to wait patiently. She was sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the outer office of the Kalidosi Presider’s residence. She’d been “invited to introduce herself” this morning. 

It had been three days since General Lemop had barged into her hospital room to argue that there was no way any other members of her crew had survived, as well as offered her Kalidos’ version of a truly horrendous coffee substitute.

“Captain.” 

She looked up to see the secretary smiling at her and pulling open the large ornate door behind her. “The Presider is waiting for you.” 

Kathryn strode into the Presider’s suite, looking around at the expensive looking polished wood conference table, with an ornate glass vase filled with fish in the center. The table was surrounded by plush-cushioned chairs. There were mirrors end-to-end along the back wall that reflected the tall windows along the other side, reminding her a little of Versailles. This planet might have been at war, but it was clear from this room that their government officials at least retained some of their luxuries.

“Welcome, Captain,” a new voice drew her attention. Kathryn looked at a middle-aged Kalidosi who she guessed was the Presider and moved to shake his offered hand. Seated on either side at the head of the conference table, she saw General Lemop and Doctor Sorowen.

“I wanted to express how truly sorry I am for the loss of your ship,” the Presider said as he ushered her to a seat at the large table. There was a carafe of dark liquid steaming on the table and she resisted wrinkling her nose at the horrible coffee imposter.

Instead she tried to steer things back to business. “Have they found any of the…” she swallowed. “Remains of my ship.”

“It has been hard to access the area where we’d expect to find the debris field,” the General said as he lifted a briefcase onto the table. “But this was recovered from the hull of one of our ships who was dispatched to defend you.” He opened the briefcase, revealing a scanning device and a clear container with a pile of metal dust and tiny scraps shifting around inside. “You were correct, the hull of your ship did not vaporize, but it clearly came damn close.” He pushed the briefcase to Kathryn and sat back in his chair. “I truly wish I could give you better news, Captain.

Janeway leaned over the briefcase and dug her nails into the table, struggling to keep back the rage she felt as she looked at the metal scraps. She reminded herself she wanted proof first, and then and only then would she believe it. She picked up the scanner. “This is incredibly imprecise,” she complained as she conducted a scan of the pile of metal scraps. She hit he scanner when the results came up too slowly. “You should switch to a corentide filament, it conducts a broader spectrum of wavelengths.” She froze as the device results finished loading and lowered it to the table. “Tritanium alloy,” she murmured. She looked at the device and frowned. “It’s a non-standard isotope,” she ran the scanner over the device again. 

“The um, impact of the Ridonian weapons with your core may have affected the atomic composition,” Doctor Sorowen said.

Kathryn raised one eyebrow at him. “These must be some seriously invasive energy weapons,” she murmured. “Affecting elemental composition and memory engrams.” She ran her thumb over her bare left ring finger as she thought. “I need you to take me to my escape pod,” she told them. “It may have absorbed enough energy from the explosion to tell me exactly what was in those tri-cobalt beams and how they reacted with the antimatter and matter in my warp core.” She turned the scanner over, prying open the back to examine the old-fashioned wiring. “If I have that information, I can figure out how it scrambled my head and see if it could have torn a hole in subspace. We might find some of the escape pods there.” 

“Regrettably that won’t be possible,” the General said. “We have a… constant demand for more fighter spacecraft. As the pod was no longer space-worthy, I ordered it melted down so that we could replace some of the fighters we lost in battle.

Janeway slammed the scanner onto the table, making the ornamental vase on it rattle. “I want you to understand this, General,” she seethed. “As much as you care about the lives of every one of your soldiers, I care equally about my crew,” her voice turned dangerously quiet. “At every turn since I have woken up, my attempts to ascertain their status have been delayed, disrupted, or dismissed. Whatever you want from me, you’re not getting it until I get confirmation of what happened to all 151 of them.” 

“Captain, please,” the Presider raised a placating hand towards her. The sincerity on his face helped her push her rage aside. “We will do everything within our capabilities to determine if any of your crew survived. I wish we had more concrete evidence to give you… unfortunately for you and us, this war has left very little behind to salvage. Our enemies weapons are quite formidable… we can hold them to a draw on numbers alone. Their ships are not very maneuverable… but we are useless against their energy weapons.” He sighed once Kathryn had sat down in her seat. The Presider rubbed the divot between his two noses. “That is, actually, one area were we hoped you might be able to assist us.” 

Janeway stiffened. “How?” 

“I understand from the general here that your ship possessed energy weapons technology. You attacked the Ridonians with photon-based torpedoes… and deflected many of their attacks off your shields before they produced the tri-cobalt beam.” He leaned over the table. “Did you also… have tri-cobalt weapons.” 

Janeway hesitated. “It is technology known to the Federation,” she said carefully. “Voyager does not… did not have the resources to produce its own tri-cobalt weapons.” She hung her head, fists both clenched on the table. “We were on a peaceful mission, just trying to get home.” 

“We have access to a wide variety of material resources,” the General said. “What we lack is the knowledge of how to build a comparable weapon to those being used against us.” 

Janeway’s head snapped up.

“That’s true,” the Presider said, smiling and relaxing in his chair as if this were the first good news he had heard in a year. “If the good captain could coordinate with you Lemop, we could obtain justice for both of our peoples.” 

“No.” Janeway stood up abruptly, startling the three Kalidosi as she moved to one of the floor-to-ceiling windows. She stared down at the bustling city. “My people have a Prime Directive,” she informed them, “We do not interfere with other worlds. We do not share any technology that could alter the balance of power within a system.  _ Certainly _ not the destructive weapons technology you’re suggesting.” 

“You would side with those Ridos  _ scum _ !” the General thundered. He stood up so fast he knocked his chair right over. “After what they did to you, to your ship!?”

She looked down at her hands, still formed into trembling fists. The rage within her screamed at her to make the Ridonians pay. She tried to focus on Chakotay. He knew this feeling. He wouldn’t want her to act on it. “If I abandon my people’s principles, I have as good as abandoned my people,” she said firmly. She winced and rubbed her head. Chakotay never mentioned that the angry warrior gave him such damn headaches. “Presider, I’m happy to work with you to resolve your conflict diplomatically,” she winced as her head throbbed. “But I won’t assist you in escalating the destruction.”

Lemop swore and stormed out, slamming the door in his wake. 

“Presider,” Doctor Sorowen spoke up. “With your permission, I think my patient could use a rest.” 

“Of course Doctor. Captain, I hope you’ll let me know when you are doing better.”

The walk back to the military hospital with Doctor Sorowen was slow going. But she found that outside, with so many new sights to distract her and plenty of sun, her headache did seem to ease. 

About halfway between the Presider’s residence and the hospital compound, Sorowen asked her about her ring.

“I checked with the staff, they did not recover one from your escape pod,” he said, slowing his long stride to keep pace with her. “Could you describe what it looks like?”

She smiled sadly. “I remember now… I dreamed of it last night.” She stroked her ring finger with her thumb. “It was a wide tritanium band… little blue gems and an inscription circling it.” she sighed. “My Fiancé gave it to me.” 

Sorowen frowned. “I thought… fiancés gave each other books as gifts?” he said and explained. “Your first day, you were… very delirious. But you spoke often of your fiancé and that you shared a book with him.” 

“Traditionally my people exchange rings,” she explained. “The book was Mark’s way of being original. My previous Fiancé,” she explained. “I did share the book with Chakotay, but… he has a fondness for traditions.” 

She looked at Sorowen and frowned. His orange skin had turned a peachy hue and he looked absolutely stricken. “Are you alright, Doctor?” 

“What? He asked. “Oh - oh yes I am fine. I am sorry. I just… I can’t imagine the magnitude of your loss… How much the Ridonians have taken from you… from all of us.” 

Janeway sighed, “If only I understood why.” She rubbed her forehead. “The symposium was peaceful, wasn’t it? I can’t understand what prompted them to attack us with such force.” 

“Perhaps it will come back to you soon,” the Doctor said, “These things take time.” 

* * *

_ She was sitting in her command chair as Stadi prepared to dock at the Ridonian space station. She looked to her left, smiling at her Fiancé, Chakotay. He had his grey hair smoothed back and was thumbing through a paper copy of “The Portrait of Dorian Grey.” She heard laughter and looked up, frowning as the holographic children from her governess program dashed between the command chairs and the conn.  _

_ “Captain,”  _

_ Janeway swiveled around, smiling at Kes who was wearing her usual tight bodysuit with her long curly blond hair tucked behind her ocular implant. “Ready to initiate docking clamps.”  _

_ “Red Alert,” Chakotay said calmly next to her. She jerked her head back around to look at him. He hadn’t even looked up from his book.  _

_ “Stand Down Red Alert,” She ordered. _

_ “I will not comply” the computer responded. _

_ Janeway swore and then found her gaze drawn to the cover of Chakotay’s book. Where the portrait of Dorian should have been, she saw herself, wearing a set of Kalidosi clothes.  _

_ “They’re arming torpedoes,” Chakotay said mildly. “I guess they didn’t like the Doctor’s thesis. _

_ She saw a bright blue flash explode across the view screen. _

Janeway bolted upright with a gasp, taking a few minutes to gather her senses. Her dreams could be bizarre, yes, but never so  _ vivid _ .

As she struggled to calm her heartbeat, Janeway’s gaze fell on the window. She got up and wandered to it, arms hugging her torso.

She leaned her head on the window. Overhead, the Kalidos sky was full of the tiny streaks of light from their massive fleet of tiny single or two-person starships . They fought the bulkier, clumsier Ridonian ships by being faster and more evasive. Much like ancient England’s small, swift fleet against the spanish armada.

Of course, Janeway huffed, both of them had had equivalent weaponry.

She watched the sky for a long time. There were so many moving ships above Kalidos that it completely masked the normal sky of stationary stars. If she stared long enough, the streaks of light could almost be stars at warp.

“Captain?” she heard as her door opened. 

“It doesn’t make sense,” she whispered. She turned to Sorowen. “Did I say anything while I was recovering about why we entered a conflict with the Ridonians?” 

Sorowen shakes his head. “Forgive me, Captain, but there’s no reasoning with them.” 

She huffed. “I don’t believe that,” she shivered. “Even the Borg have motivation.” She stared up at the sky and her frown deepened. She touched a hand to her head. “Borg… Seven.” She shook her head. “Kes is gone… and Stadi!” she realized. “Stadi is dead.” 

“Yes… Captain unfortunately your whole crew is dead.” 

“No,” she shook her head. “No, I mean…. she’s been dead for years.” She furrowed her brow. “Paris… Tom Paris.” 

“Captain, you’re confused.” 

She turned around, “No, you’re-” she raised her arm to push him back, but felt the cool hiss of a hypospray against her wrist. She was only able to take a step forward before her eyes rolled back and she fell onto Sorowen. He caught her petite form easily and settled her on the bed. He rubbed the bridges of his noses. “That shouldn’t have happened,” he said as he called for a nurse to bring the mind mapping interface into the room. While he waited he pressed a portable sensor to the Captain’s forehead and initiated a quick scan. He swore. All the engrams had destabilized 23% since he had scanned them yesterday!

* * *

“I told you her brain was too different!” Sorowen complained as he paced in front of General Lemop’s desk. “The mind map scanned for the individual who meant the most to her - a romantic partner - to use in the narrative. It substituted her fiancé for her second in command! If I hadn’t learned about her preoccupation with this ring I never would have guessed.” He barely noticed how he bumped the desk as he made another round of the office. 

“So do the procedure again,” Lemop said, “Fix it!”

“I can’t fix it!” Sorowen thundered. He tugged his white hair until it was a messy nest on top of his head. “Second Persuasions caused severe neural damage in 69% of attempts - I discontinued that trial for goodness sake. All I’m left with now is to try and reinforce what I’ve already programmed! Which this ridiculous evolution of her neocortex and thalamus  _ do not help with _ .” 

“Doctor,” the General said firmly. “I am expecting a progress report not the index of a medical journal.” He pointed his reading tablet at the Doctor. “Make it simple.” 

Sorowen groaned in frustration. “Her species has an enormous neocortex and thalamus compared to ours… all our bodies of medical research say ours shrunk to improve our focus and reduce our need for rest. We also lost the distraction of unconscious thoughts."

“So she is unfocused and lazy?” he huffed. “Doesn’t seem that way to me.” 

“Well we’ve never encountered anything like her species… somehow the rest of her brain must compensate. But what I have realized is that,  _ evolutionarily _ , her species has retained this trait because it makes them resistant to mental manipulation.” The doctor rubbed his eyes. “I have been monitoring her rest for the past 6 hours. At regular intervals, her neocortex and thalamus generate extremely heightened levels of activity while she sleeps, triggering a slew of unconscious thought. She calls them dreams. My mapping interface can't make a damned bit of sense of them, except that they seem to serve to make connections between the different memory engrams in the brain. This… phenomenon has an extremely negative effect on my programmed memories, every single interval I monitored, it reduced their stability! I fear they will eventually become resistant to the reinforcement.” 

The general sighed. “Alright doctor, look. My cousin has a disorder that gives him these unconscious thoughts. He takes medicine to stop them. Surely all you have to do is stop hers, and then our problem is solved.” He sat back with a huff. “And maybe she’d be a little more agreeable.”

“Block… the unconscious thoughts.” Sorowen frowned. “I don’t know what effect that will have on her species.” 

“Well we’re going to find out. I’m making it an order. I want those damn weapons!” 


	3. Apparition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thanks to Kalidosi intervention, Kathryn has stopped questioning the narrative of how her ship was destroyed. She also hasnt dreamed in days and the side-effects are becoming apparent. Meanwhile, more information about the conflict between Kalidos and Ridos falls into her lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chakotay's spirit guide will be making an appearance. I know popular fanon is that his guide is a wolf but in this story, i'm going with a different one. 
> 
> Thanks immensely to Laney for the beta!

Kathryn lifted the liter-sized thermos of imposter-coffee and drank deeply from it, not even tasting the overly sweet flavor. It had the caffeine content of a good shot of espresso and increasingly, she found herself guzzling it like one might water in a desert. When the thermos was empty she looked at it with scorn.

The past four days, she had woken up absolutely exhausted, each day more so than the day before. The bags under her eyes might as well be permanent fixtures by this point.

She raised the thermos again, tipping it all the way back to get at the last remaining drops. She needed to be on her game today. She had managed to secure a meeting with the Presider without General Lemop present.

“It looks like you’ve recovered  _ marvelously _ ,” The Presider’s secretary greeted her cheerfully as she held open the door to the meeting room. 

In response, Kathryn glared at her. “Tell me you have more coffee?” she demanded.

“Um… the sweetbrew, yes - um there’s a carafe on the back table.” 

Kathryn strode into the meeting room and zeroed in immediately on the carafe. She refilled the entire thermos, and stowed it, then selected the largest of the available glasses and poured the sweetbrew nearly to the rim.

“I see you’ve got a taste for sugar,” the Presider said as he too entered the meeting room.

Kathryn snorted. “I have a taste for caffeine. The sweetness in this is an unfortunate tradeoff.” She moved to the table, sliding down into the chair and sighing as she rested her head against the soft, cushioned back.

“Are you alright, Captain?”

“Fine,” she said, forcing herself to sit up and taking a long drink of the imposter coffee. “Forgive me, Presider, I may not be fully recovered.” 

“That’s quite alright,” he said. “I have been looking forward to speaking with you again… regrettably we have yet to find traces of your ship or crew. Several battles have taken place in our space in the past few days alone. The Ridonians sent four of their city-sized destroyers…” 

As the Presider spoke in detail about the battles that had occurred that week, Kathryn struggled to concentrate. She watched his lips moving and his twin noses twitching, all the while his words drifted around her head, swinging and dipping, humming like flies. She rubbed her eyes futilely. When she lowered her hands, she saw the Presider looking at her and realized he expected a response. Had there been a question? Shit. She took another gulp of the imposter-coffee. “The scale of the destruction must be hard for you to sustain,” she said.

This seemed to be an acceptable response because the Presider inclined his head and sighed. “Without a significant increase to our firepower, I’m afraid it will be a war of attrition, one we may very well lose. But we can’t afford to.” He fiddled with his cufflinks. “I thought at first they would lose interest if we put up a strong enough defense… clearly I underestimated their greed.” 

Kathryn frowned. She struggled to recall her last conversation with Dr. Sorowen. Had he mentioned why they were fighting? She directed a glare at her imposter coffee.  _ If I didn’t have to rely on this disgusting sugar-concentrate, I’d have this figured out by now. _

“Captain,” the Presider interrupted her musings. “I want to cut to the chase… have you reconsidered your stance on giving us information on energy weapons technology?” 

Kathryn shook her head. “My answer remains the same. And besides, it would only serve to provoke the Ridonians. Do you truly think they would let you develop capabilities on par with theirs?” 

The Presider looked upset by the thought. He rubbed his noses. “Not even any kind of shielding for our cities?” he pressed. “There’s no reason for civilians to get caught in the crossfire. Particularly the children. Captain, please.” 

Kathryn's jaw twitched, but she shook her head and drank another long drink from the thermos to provide time to school her expression.

“As I said… I’m happy to help diplomatically - I’ve negotiated and got my way with people far more rigid than the Ridonians.” She leaned forwards. “It would help to know what started this war, Presider. It’s clear to me my ship was somehow thrown into the middle of your conflict. For that at least, I think I’m owed an explanation.” 

“Of course of course,” the Presider sighed. “Where to begin…” He stood from the table, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a remote device. When he touched it, Kathryn saw the lights in the room begin to dim. Heavy shades fell over the windows. When they’d unrolled completely, a projector above the conference table lit up.

“You’re the only off-worlder to see this,” the Presider said. “I’m going to bank on your own experience as a starship officer being worth the security concerns.”

As he spoke, the images from the projector crystallized into a map of Kalidos and Ridos’ star system. Kathryn saw Ridos, locked in an oppositional orbit with Kalidos, never sharing the same side of their star. She took a quick note of the blue and red triangles that denoted their fleets. 

“Our neighbors come from outside our solar system,” he said. “They arrived here some 50 years ago. We had small outposts on their world at the time… of course those did not last very long into our conflict.” 

He pointed to the red triangles, representing Kalidos thousands strong fleet. “From the start, they had superior weaponry. It seemed prudent to ensure our skies were well defended. There were some skirmishes for the first two decades…” 

“This is what started the war,” the Presider said, clicking the remote again, now the planets faded as the projector zoomed in on the center of the solar system. Kathryn gasped.

The zoomed in perspective allowed her to see the spiral of a wormhole, originally hidden by the bright mass of the sun. She bent over the table, drinking in the sight of solar flares being sucked into the wormhole, tongues of fire spirally thought it, and marveled at the regular pulses of energy that passed from the wormhole back into the star. “My God,” she murmured, tracing the curve of the wormhole with her finger. “Where is the exit point?” 

“About a thousand light years towards the galactic core,” the Presider said. 

Excitement rushed through her. A thousand light years wasn’t much of a short-cut, but she’d take it! A whole year off their expected journey…

Then reality slammed into Kathryn full force. Her breath hitched and her heart panged at the cruel irony - they could have jumped a years worth of travel away from this conflict, but before they’d even seen it, her crew had been caught in the middle instead.

The Presider didn’t notice her reaction because he clicked the remote again. Now she could see the other side of the wormhole, surrounded by Ridonian and Kalidosi forces. Three planets orbited the exit aperture.

“The Ridonians originally came here through the wormhole some. Once they proved it was possible, my people began making our own exploratory journeys . We originally wanted to know if anymore visitors would come through. We didn’t find the Ridonian homeworld, but we did find these three planetoids. They don’t support life without a sun, but they’re rich in minerals. The second planet in particular.” He pointed to it. “It has an abundance of a critical element we need to maintain our planet-wide power grid and many of our our medical technologies… Originally there was a plentiful supply on our moon, but that’s dried up in the last 50 years. When we began mining this new source, the Ridonians began shadowing our ships. They acted like pirates - boarding our ships and stealing the minerals, or outright destroying out ships on the spot. All our resources now are devoted to defending those supply lines. Our access to it is critical to our survival. We believe the Ridonians might destroy the wormhole before they let us have it. Fighting has gotten significantly worse in the last year and our capability to protect the wormhole is flagging.” He sighed. “I’m afraid we won’t be able to maintain our position through even my next term in office… our best research hasn’t been able to find a suitable alternative… the whole planet could be plunged into a devastating blackout.” 

Kathryn took another long drink from the thermos. “What’s powering your ships?” she asked, praying they were warp capable. If they had knowledge of matter and antimatter, it would not breach her starfleet oath to show them how to adapt it for planetary use.

“Solar sails and ion propulsion,” he said. Kathryn cursed internally. “I know,” the Presider continued, “why not bring the sails planetside… it would bring us nowhere close to the planet's daily energy needs.” 

Kathryn stared at the projection of the wormhole, trying to riddle out something of the Ridonians’ motives from the tiny markers of their ships. “I see.” she could feel a migraine coming on the harder she tried to think about it. If only she weren’t so damn tired.

“Captain…” the Presider said, coming around the table and touching her arm. “You have my word, our use of the technology would be defensive only… this is a desperate situation for my people. We can’t let Ridos destroy the wormhole - Please,” he said. He crouched slightly so that he was at her eye level. “Just like you - I only want to ensure the wellbeing of my people.” 

Kathryn met his eyes and let him see the regret there. She squeezed his arm and then stepped back, extracting herself from his grip. “I’m sorry,”she shook her head. “I can’t give you technology… defensive or otherwise.” 

The Presider’s face grew stoney. “You have great integrity Captain.. I only wish it did not come at my people’s expense.”

“At least consider a diplomatic course of action,” Kathryn insisted. “You’ve even said, you don’t have the resources to continue this war much longer - let me negotiate with them. I can assure you, I won’t go easy on them. I want them to repay what they’ve done just as much as you. Let me explain your situation, the lengths you’re willing to go. I can make them reconsider this fight.” 

The Presider rubbed his chin. “I will need to consult my advisors,” he said, and he turned away. “I will let you know my decision soon, Captain.” 

Kathryn took her leave, refilling the thermos on her way out. As soon as the conference room door closed behind her she took a deep breath, and groaned, massaging the ache that had been spreading through her shoulders and neck. Her temporary excitement at having a problem to chew on had masked her exhaustion. Now, with only the prospect of wandering the hospital campus to occupy her time, Kathryn felt the full-force of her exhaustion return.

“Not resting well?” the secretary said, a chipper smile on her face. “You should try the spa off the plaza, tha always sets me right.” 

Kathryn considered it. It felt horribly selfish to indulge herself in luxuries with the loss of her ship and the confusion around it so close at hand. On the other hand she needed to find some way to get over this exhaustion. Perhaps time away from the noisy hospital would help her focus.

The secretary convinced her when she added: “I always go just for the big pool on the bottom floor. I could soak in that for hours.” 

Kathryn perked up. “I suppose it couldn’t hurt,” she said. “What’s the address?”

* * *

The pool was a welcome reprieve. It was salty enough to allow one to float in the tepid water unaided. Kathryn let herself drift in the water until the spa attendants had come to announce closing time. 

She felt somewhat more relaxed, but not at all more rested, Kathryn realized as she redressed. While the water had soothed the ache unfurling in her neck and shoulder muscles, it had not alleviated the weariness that dragged at her. The day dreams that would entertain her in her bathtub on Voyager had even been absent.

That was something, Kathryn realized as she exited the building, rubbing her eyes. She had had a lot of nightmares her first week here… but the past few nights she couldn't remember a single one.

The evening streets were crowded with people, gathered around large video screens built along the sidewalks and on the sides of the buildings.

_ “An attack on the southern power facility today has left the surrounding city on fire. Massive building damage to the power facility and surrounding buildings, including the city’s largest school.”  _

Kathryn covered her mouth as she saw the images on the screens. Smoke clouded the aerial shots, but the destruction was apparent. She could see the blue glow on the power facility’s warped and melted walls - likely from a tri-cobalt beam or torpedo. How could Ridos justify using energy weapons against people who had no means of defense?

As the news video changed to show footage of civilians digging small children's bodies out from under collapsed roofs and walls Kathryn suddenly felt dizzy, she stepped back towards the wall of the building behind her.

A hand steadied her, squeezing her shoulder. “Feeling alright, Captain?” 

She jumped, spinning and glaring up at General Lemop. 

“I wonder how many little children won’t be going home tonight? If only they knew we had the means to avenge them and yet the one with the knowledge refused.” 

Kathryn clenched her fists. “That is not my fault,” she hissed. “I am willing to work with you, General, but violence on any side is wrong. I won’t be part of perpetuating it.”

“By doing nothing you already are!” the General shouted. He reached out to grab her shoulders but Kathryn blocked him, and he caught her wrists instead. “I heard what you told the Presider today. You truly intend to try stopping these monsters with  _ words _ ? They killed your entire crew without mercy. They're responsible for the deaths of  _ millions  _ of people. Look!” he pointed at the video screen as she jerked her wrists free and looked.

All the screens were covered in Kalidosi faces - spotted and fresh-faced, old and terribly young, men and women in uniform and in civilian clothes all spilled across every available screen as mournful music filled the plaza. She heard the Presider’s solemn voice but couldn’t focus on the words. Her mind was full of faces. These peoples and her crew, and of the many civilians around her who bowed and cried in anguish as new faces were added to the extensive memorial.

“While you make paltry attempts at reasoning with Ridos, these attacks will continue. What incentive do they have to listen?” the General demanded. “You’re just as guilty as the ones who did this." He slipped away into the crowd, leaving Kathryn swaying from exhaustion and shock, bereft. She fumbled for the wall behind her and sank back against the stone, then slid down onto the sidewalk and leaned her head on the brick wall. From there, reeling from the General's words, she watched the faces appear and fade on the video screens, until the last faded, and the curfew announcement echoed through the city streets. 

She might have fallen asleep right there against the wall, but a shadowy lizard-like creature scuttled across her line of sight. Its tail brushed her boot. Kathryn’s head snapped up, looking all around, but the animal had vanished.

She did notice, though, that some of the civilians were turning to look at her. No doubt her very alien features stood out like a sore thumb. Was it a secret why she had been rescued? Did they know what the General hoped she would do?

She had to get back to the privacy of the hospital. Kathryn raised her arms, pressing her hands to the wall as she struggled to her feet. She made her way back as quickly as she could. The whispers of civilians that passed her swirling through her mind. They spoke of dead family, dead children, power outages that lasted weeks and months. Medical supply shortages…

Her heart was racing by the time Kathryn made it back to her room and she stumbled to the head, splashing water over her face and gripping the sink, willing her heart to calm and her hands to stop shaking.

It was the exhaustion, she reminded herself as she took deep breaths. She struggled to find the calm she had taken from meditation in her first few days here. “You need to get a grip,” she whispered.

When she felt like she could move without shaking, Kathryn filled a cup with water and wandered to the window in her room. Kathryn stared up at the sky, taking in the ever-moving streaks of light from the Kalidosi fleet and the red hue of the large moon.

She closed her eyes. “What do I do?” 

“ _ Kath _ .” 

Kathryn’s eyes snapped open. There was a broad, tattooed figure reflected in the glass. She whirled around, her breath caught in her throat. “Chakotay…” she rasped.

He stood before her, dark eyed and solemn. She took in her hair and uniform. He looked different than the last time she had seen him on the bridge. The wavy grey hair he’d had on the last day she’d seen him had been replaced by short cropped black hair. And where she expected to see three polished pips, she saw a rank bar like the one Mark had worn in her dream.

Kathryn shivered. She stepped closer to the apparition. “How can you be here?” she asked him. Her hand hesitated before his chest, afraid it would pass right through him. “Please - tell me what happened. How did we get involved in this… mess.” She choked back a sob. “Oh Chakotay, what do I do?” she pleaded. 

He stayed painfully silent, eyes staring deeply into hers. His gaze was as intense and heated as if he were truly here. Kathryn let herself believe it. “I know we shouldn’t interfere… but I can’t stand by and let Ridos do this.” She sniffed. “Please,” she begged the silent apparition. “Say something.” Steeling herself, she reached out to touch his chest.

Her hand froze just before she would have brushed the fabric of his uniform. His eyes had begun to change. His pupils narrowed and shrunk and his dark brown irises turned a startling yellow hue.

He opened his mouth and she gasped as a forked tongue slipped out. He hissed and his body began to shrink and twist. 

Kathryn screamed, tripping backwards and landing hard on the tile floor. Her water spilled all over her military green t-shirt and pants. She scrambled back as Chakotay’s image resolved itself into that of a snake.

The creature slithered up to her as Kathryn scrambled back into the wall. Its bright eyes held hers as it rose up, over the height of her knees. It cocked its head as it assessed her. 

Then she saw, spiraling across its head and underbelly: the distinct whirls she knew from Chakotay’s tattoo. Kathryn found her heart rate calming the longer she stared at the creature, recognizing the tilt of its head and the look in its eyes as curiosity. 

She shifted so that she was sitting on her knees and lifted her trembling hand, palm up, as she might to greet a puppy. The snake had grey, black and yellow stripes running up and down its body, the pattern wrapping around the design of the tattoo.

Slowly, the snake lowered its head towards her hand, its tongue darted out.

The lights in her room burst on at their full illumination. Kathryn gasped, blinking rapidly to clear her vision as two nurses and Dr. Sorowen rushed into the room. 

“Captain,” Dr. Sorowen knelt next to her. “Are you alright, you screamed.” He ran a scanner up and down her body. Kathryn looked around. The snake had vanished. “I thought I saw…” then shook her head. If they thought she was losing her mind who knew what would happen to her. 

“What did you see?” Sorowen pressed as he helped her to her feet. 

“A… an animal, out the window. It looked similar to a… rather unpleasant one. On my home-world.” 

“Captain don’t worry,” a nurse assured her. “None of the animals in the city or on these grounds pose any threat to people.” 

“Of course,” Kathryn rubbed her throat. “I’m sorry for the false alarm please… I’d like to get some sleep.” 

“Of course, let me just run some scans first. I’m a little concerned about your heart rhythm.” 

Kathryn nodded and let the doctor and nurses help her into bed, closing her eyes and willing herself to sleep better than she had been.

Doctor Sorowen noted when she seemed to be asleep and then administered the hypo-spray of medication that would disrupt her dreams. He retreated to his lab to review the results of his scans.


	4. Spirits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn continues to feel the affects of dream-deprivation - but her hallucinations lead her to some rather critical information. As she persists in convincing the Presider to negotiate an end to their war, the conflict with Ridos takes a shocking turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this one's unbetaed for now. I finished it in a burst of inspiration and was eager to get it posted! XD

Kalidos bright, white sunlight shone through the hospital window as it rose up over the city. The light woke Kathryn instantly from her fitful sleep. This was the fifth day in a row of that most unusual pattern.

When she was an Ensign, she had been reprimanded more than once for being slow to wake for the red alert alarm. Even on Voyager, the computer woke her with a combination of varied sounds, rising illumination, and temperature changes. She didn’t keep the best sleeping hours, but when she did, she usually slept deeply. 

As the sunlight prompted her to open her eyes Kathryn groaned. Her whole body felt heavy. Her muscles ached as they had yesterday, but worse, and her head felt fuzzy. If she still felt the disquieting rage she had at Voyagers destruction, she didn't recognize it under the thick fog of lethargy. Everything was subsumed by the pang in her body to roll over and bury her head in the pillow.

But the longer she lay in bed the more aware she became of the scratchy texture of the sheets and then every itch from her toes to her head. She rolled away from the sun with some effort, meaning to reach for the thermos of imposter-coffee that was now a permanent fixture on her night stand.

She froze when she rolled over. Next to her on the pillow was a tiny green gecko, curled up next to her nose. It took Kathryn a moment, but she realized she recognized him. She gasped softly. Her mouth pulled up in a weary smile. “Hello there,” she murmured. Her spirit guide peaked open one eye and she curiously lifted her hand and stroked one finger along his back. Even though he felt like the texture of the pillow, she was sure he was solid.

Kathryn sighed. “Something must be very wrong with me if I think you’re here… but it’s nice to see you.” 

The gecko chirped and rubbed his head along her palm. She grinned. “I guess there are worse hallucinations.” She eyed the gecko suspiciously. “I don’t suppose you know what’s wrong with me?” 

The gecko uncurled himself. He bumped her palm and looked at her with wide, dark eyes. Then he stiffened. She watched his tail stick up as he pointed his body towards the door and hissed.

She turned just as the door opened. Dr. Sorowen entered her room.

“How are you this morning, Captain? I’m still a little worried about the effects of the energy weapons on your concussive injuries.” 

“I’m fine,” she said curtly, making herself sit up. She reached once more for the thermos on her night stand and saw that the gecko had vanished from her pillow. “Any word from the Presider?”

“Nothing’s come in yet,” Sorowen frowned. “Your temperature is elevated one degree.”

“That's the least of my problems.” She eased herself out of bed and away from the Doctor's scanner before he decided she needed her head examined. She looked up and saw that someone had turned on the news screen that was mounted on the wall in the corner of the room. It was playing footage from yesterday’s attack. "How many dead?" she asked as she moved away from the doctor and towards the TV.

Sorowen sighed. "They don't know. there’s nothing left of the power plant. And there were a lot injured in the surrounding buildings." He shook his head. "Any more of these and they’re talking about rationing the electricity."

Janeway frowned. "Any more?" She drank from the thermos. "How many power plants have been attacked?"

"At least five," Sorowen said. "Every time they get past our orbital defenses, they go for one. Their weapons completely eradicate the facilities. Nothing to salvage…"

"Only the power plants?" Janeway wondered. "Not your government buildings? Farms? Water supply"

"No, thank God" Sorowen checked his scans of her again, frowning. "Lemop says it's their strategy. Take our power supply so we can’t build more ships or coordinate with our fleet."

Kathryn crossed her arms. "Their weapons could take out half a city in the blink of an eye. And if they weren't incredibly careful, thy could do irreversibly damage your atmosphere." She ran a hand through her hair and longed for the days she could put these sorts of riddles together with barely any thought. "Do they use the same power source beyond the wormhole that you do?”

"I uh. I don't know," Sorowen admitted. "We don't speak their language."

"But you have universal translators?" Kathryn yawned. "That or," she giggled. "I learned to speak this language overnight." 

Sorowen gulped. "Oh _that -_ uh _,_ " he stammered. His skin darkening to a cinnamon hue. "W-we have translators. Of course. But you see they… they don't work on Ridos’ language."

"I can fix that," Kathryn said. "As soon as…" she tried to think out the steps she’d need to take to understand and then modify their universal translator, but the thoughts swirled round in a jumble in her head, sluggish and half-defined. She tapped the near-empty thermos of cold imposter-coffee. "I need more of this," she determined and walked out into the hall. She helped herself to what was on the nurses station and grimaced as she tasted it - this brew was even sweeter than yesterday’s. What's more, she had a sinking suspicion it was no longer helping with her fatigue.

"Did you rest well, Captain?" a perky nurse asked her. Kathryn shot a glare at her and resisted the impulse to bop both of her noses.

"Fine," she said. "I'm…" she saw a green gecko scuttle up the wall behind the nurses, to another news screen, this one with the Presider’s face on it. "I’m going to see the Presider"

"Um... Captain? He's by appointment only."

"Excellent. Make me one"

"Cap-"

"Do it!" she called behind her. She was out of the ward and making her way to the main exit before she heard their reply.

* * *

Despite her moment of inspiration in the hospital - to call it anything else would have meant accepting she might be losing it - Kathryn realized only a block or so towards the Presider’s residence that she had no exact idea what she wanted to speak to him about.

She spied a lush park off to her left and found her feet wandering towards it. She took slow, shuffling steps along the sidewalk. 

A short while into her walk she heard a snake hiss behind her. Kathryn turned. There was no snake, only two Kalidosi, well enough back that she couldn't hear them. They were arm in arm like a couple. Both were chatting over steaming cups of their imposter-coffee. Kathryn's eyes narrowed. One looked familiar. And both held themselves with the stiff posture of Kalidosi’ military officers.

The two caught her looking and ignored her glare, both moving to sit down on a bench.

Kathryn huffed. "You'll have to do better than that," she said to herself. Whether these were spies of Lemop’s or Hospital staff trying to babysit her, Kathryn could only guess. And her exhaustion was making guessing and thinking in general increasingly difficult so she dismissed the notion. Instead she decided just to stay well ahead of them.

With that in mind. Kathryn began to move again, forcing herself into a jog as she tried to lose the spies. The exercise made her heart race and she panted as if running a marathon. But in the course of it, she felt the adrenaline rush in, and rejoiced as some of her energy returned. 

She stopped when she tripped and barely caught herself, stumbling onto a side path, one covered by a trellis of flowers. She ducked under it and grabbed the wood frame to support herself. When her shaking knees folded, she went down with them, sitting with her back against the trellis.

 _If only Tuvok were here,_ she thought, feeling the urge to laugh but wheezing instead as she caught her breath. _If he were here, he'd tell me perhaps I shouldn’t have pulled rank to get out of his gravity runs._

Kathryn leaned her head back, staring up at the sunlight that peeked through the thick cover of leaves and flowers. They looked like Tuvok's orchids. Her pounding heart ached with the reminder of her grief.

_"I agree with your fiancé," Tuvok had said. "The crew needs their Captain"_

"Not so logical after all," she sighed. "You wouldn't even let me go down with my ship…"

She frowned. In her memory, she recalled his face, wracked with pain. he'd been openly crying before knocking her out and helping Chakotay put her in an escape pod. "One more thing that doesn't make sense," she muttered, she lifted her hand, ticking off the strange memories from Voyager’s destruction on her hand. She had begun repeating them daily hoping it would help her recall it all. "Stadi instead of Tom... emotional Tuvok… Harry’s new pip." She looked down at her left hand. "And I can't remember where I left your ring..." she sighed, even struggling to conjure a memory if it. It made this whole situation worse to be missing it. She ached for a reminder of him.

Something moved out of the corner of her eye. Kathryn turned. It was the snake again, weaving her way up the trellis so her head was at Kathryn's eye level. After waking up to her gecko this morning, Kathryn was not so startled. "You again. You scared me the other night." She reached out and watched her finger trail over the snake's head. "You're his spirit guide aren't you?" she murmured. "Are you here because he can't be? Did he send you." Her eyes welled up. Her voice cracked. “If you're here, then he really must be dead." 

The snake nudged her hand gently, then moved from the trellis to her arm. She curled around Kathryn's wrist and rubbed her tail back and forth up her arm, as if trying to comfort her.

As Kathryn tried to reign in her grief, she saw the gecko on her left. Kathryn picked him up and held him in her other hand, side by side with the snake. She sniffed and cracked a smile. "I’m not sure if you’re real, but I'm glad you’re here," she confessed and sighed. "I'm missing so many pieces," she lamented. "How we wound up in the middle of this… why Ridos destroyed us. Why they're only destroying the power plants.. I don't even think I remember why we were at Ridos’ symposium." She furrowed her brows and looked at the snake. "I’m even missing my ring… Can you tell him I’m sorry I can’t find it." 

At that the snake tilted her head to the side then shook her head. She uncoiled from Kathryn's arm. Kathryn watched her slither down her leg onto the dirt path. When the snake glanced back at her, she sat up. "Do you know where it is?"

The snake moved across the ground winding in a series of complex shapes. Kathryn struggled to follow her movements. She felt her eyes drooping.

The gecko chirped and nudged her palm. 

"I'm fine," Kathryn said, shaking her head and getting to her feet. She saw her two tag-alongs rush by on the main path without noticing her.

She looked down. The snake and her gecko had vanished. But she could still see the shape the snake had traced into the dirt. Kathryn frowned. The shape looked familiar: a discus sitting below a much larger circle, two arcs joining both bodies. thin ovals ringed the two, a nearly universal symbol of an orbit.

It was Kalidos and Ridos star and wormhole, simplified into this two dimensional form. She had seen a 3D version in the Presider's office just days ago, but she could swear the 2D rendering looked even more familiar… like artwork or a logo…

Kathryn's eyes widened as a memory drifted up through the fog of fatigue.

" _It's an invitation, Captain" Ensign Kim reported from Ops. "The Ridos Astronomical Symposium. They're doing several presentations on interstellar travel - the largest is a seminar on the scanning and maintenance of stable wormholes._

_"Do they accept submissions?" Chakotay asked, eyes bright with mischief. "The doctor's five hour presentation would get a much bigger reception… of course he'd have to cancel his onboard presentation, After all… Tuvok now needs to run some large event security drills." He looked over at her. "What do you think, Captain?"_

_"Are you both going to insist that I stay on the ship?" she asked, turning to look back at Tuvok as well. "Too many security risks?" she challenged._

_Tuvok raised his eyebrows. "The construction of the space station hampers our ability to conduct emergency beam outs…" he said firmly._

_"I don't know Tuvok, what's more illogical," Chakotay challenged. "Letting the Captain off ship or keeping Dr. Kathryn Janeway away from a science conference?"_

_Tuvok looked at her and then glanced at Chakotay. "It seems I must concede to your superior logic, Commander."_

Kathryn gasped as the memory became clear. Of course they wouldn't have been able to resist a presentation on wormholes! She tried to think of the actual presentation, knowing she must have attended. Her sluggish brain could only offer up small, broken pieces of those memories, but they were enough.

She strode out from under the trellis and towards the Presider's residence, without a care if the two spies resumed tailing her. 

* * *

“Captain wait, you can’t go in there!” the secretary said, trying to move around the desk and block Kathryn from entering the conference room. “He’s in another meeting.” 

Kathryn steam rolled past her, pushing open the ornate meeting room doors. Her entrance startled the group of military officers seated around the table. General Lemop glared at her from his position beside the Presider.

She moved to the end of the table and braced her hands on it. “Ridos is not a threat to the wormhole.” She said without preamble. “They are actively trying to maintain it. The reason we were in this system at all was to hear their presentation about it.” 

Lemop’s face was turning a dark purple hue. “You _insolent_ little - ” 

“Lemop,” the Presider, still seated , held up a hand to silence the General. He nodded to the other officers in the room. “If you’ll excuse us.” 

As one, the other people around the table stood, saluted the Presider, and took their leave.

General Lemop stayed, glowering at Kathryn across the table. “You are interfering with a critical intelligence meeting,” he said. “We are losing time to strike back at Ridos.” 

“Your intelligence seems convinced Ridos is willing to destroy the wormhole to keep you from your energy supply - I know that’s not true so your intelligence on their motivations might need an update.”

“How could you attend their conference, Captain?” the Presider asked. 

“We were invited,” she said.

The Presider frowned and rubbed his chin. “And they destroyed your ship?”

Kathryn looked down. “Yes… I’m as confused as you are, sir - but that’s why I think there is something we are missing. I need to understand their actions as much as you do - that’s why it would benefit us both to try talking to them - It can’t hurt can it?” 

“Unless they take you prisoner and whatever unfortunate Kalidosi have to pilot the ship that brings you,” General Lemop countered. “Presider - talking to the Ridonians is useless. It’s obvious why they destroyed her ship - clearly they too wanted her to give them weapons technology and when she refused they responded with force. Ridos doesn't care about anyone but themselves and doesn’t listen to any opinion but their own.”

“Have they reached out and said that?” she asked. “They have to have issued some demands in this conflict, haven’t they?” 

“We know what they want, Captain,” Lemop argued. “They want to cripple us. They want to remain the dominant power in our system.” 

“Our policy,” the Presider added, “since our official declaration of war has been to ignore any of their attempts at communication. Our Captains who answer their hails have ended up with their systems hacked and their cargo seized.”

Kathryn swore. “And you’ve continued blindly escalating this conflict since then? I’m sure some people are quite happy to let a bomb send a message aren’t they?” she glared at Lemop. “You’re short resources, Mr. Presider. You told me yourself this can’t go on much longer. At some point someone has to step up and try a different approach. Demand a ceasefire,” she told him. “Let me talk to them. At least hear their reasoning and their demands. Their ships are surely even more expensive to produce than yours given their size. I’m willing to bet they're just as weary of this war of attrition as you.” 

“I can see now how you got your ship blown up with a soft stance like that,” Lemop accused. 

“Well she makes sense,” the Presider sighed. 

Lemop’s head jerked towards him comically fast as he gaped at the Presider. “I can’t believe this - Presider, you can’t trust her ideas - she’s still recovering from her head injuries. I’d say they damn sure have affected her judgement.” He matched her glare for glare and lifted a communications device from his pocket. “Dr. Sorowen,” he said into it, “get your patient out of the Presider’s office immediately.”

“My judgement is just fine,” Kathryn ground out. “It’s yours that’s in question - You can’t win this war with brute force, General Lemop.”

“I hate to agree,” the Presider sighed. “You’ve done very well keeping things to a stalemate, General,” he said, rubbing his noses. “But the fact is it is only a stand-still.” He looked over at Kathryn. “I’m inclined to move forward with letting you speak to them… provided they do agree to a ceasefire.”

“No!” General Lemop balked. “Absolutely not!” 

The Presider’s eyes darkened and his brows furrowed. He stood from his chair. “Excuse me, General,” he said, “I give the orders here.” 

“As if they’d ever agree to a ceasefire…”

Kathryn closed her eyes as the chronic fatigue reared its head again. She swayed and rubbed her forehead, moving away from the table lest either man see her flagging.

In the golden evening light shining through the window, she saw two large shadows on the conference room floor: one four-legged, the other serpentine. Kathryn looked up and saw the gecko and the snake lounging on the warm, sunny windowsill. The snake lifted her head and flicked her tongue at Kathryn.

“ _Explain then,”_ the Presider was shouting behind her as Kathryn walked over to the spirit guides in the window. “ _What alternative do you propose. You want to keep going as we have?”_

Kathryn heard Lemop’s growl of frustration as she reached the windowsill. She stroked the gecko and then the snake with her finger. The gecko tapped the window with his tail.

She looked outside, frowning. Something small and bright was streaking down through the atmosphere. 

Suddenly, an alarm wailed around the room. Soldiers burst in. “Atmosphere breach!” they shouted. “Incoming in 60 seconds!”

“ _What_!” Lemop thundered.

 _“_ I don’t know what happened sir! It just appeared halfway through the atmosphere.” 

“Presider, we need to get to the bunker!” 

“Captain, with us.” 

But the snake curled her tail around Kathryn’s wrist. The Captain stayed at the window and watched as, rather than continue down to the ground, the object stopped high up over the city, hovering. Audio began to play.

“ _Citizens of Kalidos, Ridos High Command declares a three day ceasefire while we comply with an inter-planetary kidnapping investigation. Asylum on Ridos will be granted to anyone who assists us with our investigation. Please hail the following frequency if you have information about this individual.”_

Kathryn squinted in the bright sunlight to see as an image began to form above the device. She saw red, black and white beginning to pixelate _._

_“A three day ceasefire has commenced. Please hail the following frequency: 0-2-point-se-”_

Three projectiles streaked up through the air, striking Ridos’ device before the image could clarify and before the frequency had finished playing.

“What in the world?” the Presider said as Kathryn turned away from the window. He and Lemop were still in the doorway surrounded by soldiers. “A kidnapping investigation?” 

Lemop swore. He strode up to Kathryn, taking her by the arm and all but dragging her away from the window. “This is now an urgent matter of state,” he declared. “Presider - we need to discuss this - without off-worlders' interference.” 

“I think this is the perfect opportunity,” Kathryn argued as he used his superior height and strength to get her to move. She jerked out of Lemop’s grip as he opened the conference room doors. “Use this to your advantage,” she told the Presider.

“Sir,” Lemop urged. “Please, I need to speak with you. _Now_.” 

The Presider looked between them, frowning. “Alright, General,” he nodded to Kathryn. “Why don’t you get a fresh cup of sweetbrew, Captain. I promise, I’ll be with you shortly.” 

Kathryn nodded reluctantly and left the conference room, going and seeking out a refill for her thermos as suggested. She rubbed her forehead. As far as she could recall from her fuzzy memories of the symposium, Ridos only had very elementary transporters, only able to beam between one transport terminal and another. How had they managed to beam a complicated device like that through such a crowded planetary defense system?

She returned to the outer office to pace and found Sorowen there, speaking in an urgent, hushed voice with the secretary. She saw Kathryn and pointed at her. Sorowen whipped around and rushed over to her. 

“Lemop paged me,” he said, face an anxious, peachy hue. “Are you ill? Has your headache returned.”

“I’m fine,” she huffed, moving away from Sorowen when he took a scanner out of his pocket. “Lemop just doesn’t like my ideas.” 

At that moment, the office door opened. Kathryn and Doctor Sorowen both turned as the Presider and General Lemop emerged. Lemop’s face was stern and the Presider had donned a neutral mask. It slipped slightly when he saw Sorowen there and Kathryn frowned as she realized he looked angry at the doctor.

“Captain,” the Presider addressed her. “I’m willing to pursue your negotiations, but given this breach of our security grid, I have some additional terms.” 

When she nodded, he continued. “I will only consider a negotiation with Ridos if you remain here and give us information on establishing shields over our cities. Ah -” he held up his hand as she protested. “This will not escalate the violence. And as it is clear our defenses are no longer a reliable warning system, I believe it is reasonable. You help us construct shields so that Ridos will have a more difficult time attacking us. I think it will incentivize them to engage seriously in a dialogue.” 

“You need me at the table,” she insisted.

“No - I’m sorry,” he clapped a grinning Lemop on the shoulder. “General - as you have extensive intelligence on Ridos, you will pursue negotiations in her place.” 

“What!” he roared. “You can’t seriously think I'll agree.” 

“It is an order. You’ll follow it or resign,” the Presider said, his neutral mask slipping as he glared at the General. “It is shielding or no negotiation, Captain.” 

Kathryn glanced between a glowering Lemop and the Presider, noticing her vision was getting fuzzy. She had a strong feeling she was missing something. “I…” she blinked, noticing the snake and gecko now circling Lemop’s feet. When she blinked again they were gone. “I will need time to consider it.” she said carefully.

“Of course, I’ll let Dr. Sorowen escort you back to the hospital,” the Presider said. “Give me your decision tomorrow morning.” 

She wanted to stay and argue that she should still be party to the negotiations, but she could feel the adrenaline that had built up during the incident draining. Her thermos was shaking. And the room was beginning to sway. She was in no state to press her point. “Alright,” she conceded. She even let Sorowen support her arm as she began to make her way out of the office.

“Doctor,” the Presider said as they left. “Once the Captain is settled I’d like you to return here. I want an update on her recovery.” 

Sorowen’s peachy hue grew even paler and he gulped. “Of course sir.”


	5. Instinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn learns something shocking about why Ridos is attacking Kalidosi power plants and someone sabotages the ceasefire. Amid the chaos, can Kathryn's instincts get her back to Voyager?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last and... much longer than I originally thought XD here is the chapter with the second photo for the photo contest (manip credit to torri012). - Sorry no beta for this one XD any typos are mine.

Kathryn tossed and turned under the scratchy sheets, unsure whether she actually slept or had merely drifted through the night, awake but eyes closed. 

The hospital was noisy. At every click, groan, or whisper of chatter outside her door, Kathryn’s eyes snapped open. Each time, she glanced surreptitiously to the closed door, then the drawn curtains, and finally the clock on her night table.

The clank of a pipe within the wall behind her head finally caused Kathryn to bolt upright, quite late in the night. She pressed her hand to her chest, feeling the disturbingly rapid thrum of her heart. Her head pounded in time with it. She rubbed her throat as anxiety crept through her and reached for the thermos on her night stand.

Kathryn picked it up and noticed immediately that her hand was shaking. She set the thermos down and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She braced her elbows on her knees and put her head in her hands, taking slow, deep breaths.

A shadow curled around her ankle, long and serpentine. She stared at it until it resolved into the form of the snake spirit, its bright eyes staring back up at her.

“What’s wrong with me,” she whispered as she willed her heart to return to its normal rhythm. She gasped. “I don’t want to die here.” 

The door burst open. She saw Dr. Sorowen rush in, two hyposprays in hand. He pressed both to her wrist.

“It’s alright.” he assured her. “Th-those should help.” 

Her heartbeat steadied. Her breathing calmed. Kathryn slumped forwards, head sinking further into her hands. “I’m so tired,” she rasped.

“Y-you should try to rest,” Sorowen encouraged. “Just a little.” 

Kathryn sighed. “What good will it do.” She groaned as she pushed herself out of bed. The snake slithered away from her ankle and towards the door. The room, she noticed, was turning grey. Out the window, the faintest hints of sun were already cresting the horizon. “Might as well get started.” 

“Started?” Sorowen’s eyes got wide. “Then… then you _are_ going to give us the technology!”

Kathryn glared at him and stalked towards the door, intent on the half-full carafe of cold sweetbrew on the nurses station. “No,” she told Sorowen as she shuffled towards the caffeine. “I am going to tour your power plant and see what technology you actually have and if you already have the technology you'd need for shielding.” She fumbled for the carafe and refilled her thermos with the lukewarm brew. “Whatever I decide to do, it won’t in any way be to give you something you could put on a warship,” she warned.

He stammered behind her, scanner fluttering around her like a bug. She swatted it away. “Don’t bother,” she grumbled. “The hypospray set me right.” 

“It alleviated some of your symptoms,” Doctor Sorowen corrected. “That is not the same as fixing the problem.” He reviewed his scans and hemmed and hawed over the results. “Your temperature has increased a full degree!” he worried. “And the… heart rhythm is… is different than what it was your first week here.” 

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Kathryn grumbled. “If you’re not going to fix me, Doctor then save it for… for later.” she yawned. “I still have to…” she frowned. She had lost her train of thought again. 

“Give us shields,” Sorowen suggested.

Kathryn frowned. “I…” her mind wavered. The faces from the memorial swam around her head. Then the faces of Tuvok and Chakotay on her doomed bridge; images of the children caught in the explosion, memories of the escape pods being blasted to smithereens.

She clenched her fist on the counter. 

“Please,” Sorowen begged. “I know… you must be angry about what happened to your people… do not let it happen to mine.” 

Kathryn closed her eyes and sighed. What would Chakotay do?

She tried to recall his accounts of the Maquis, of how he’d justified arming worlds, both former federation and not, with the knowledge to combat Cardassian incursions. But the memories were hard to recall in her sleep-deprived brain, as hard to recall as the ring missing from her finger. She rubbed the bare ring finger absently. Was this cause as justified as the Maquis’?

Kathryn scowled. She only knew the Kalidosi side. She needed more information. 

A soft chirp drew her attention to the door out of the ward. She saw her gecko flick his tail at her, then scurry under the door. “I need to see one of your powerplants,” She insisted. “I need to understand Ridos’ interest in them… then I can decide if I accept the Presider’s terms.” 

She made to move forwards, one hand still gripping the nurses’ station. She felt a bit dizzy today. Whatever was wrong with her, it seemed worse each new day that she struggled to sleep.

Sorowen supported her by the elbow. “Alright, but I’m coming with you.” he insisted. “I’ll call the Presider’s secretary and arrange a tour.” He waved to a nurse. “Let’s get you a hypospray for your fatigue.” 

“I’d prefer real coffee,” Kathryn grumbled, but held her wrist out for the hypospray. It felt like a rush of adrenaline. Good - anything that could keep her going at this point. 

* * *

The power plant was pretty standard as far as she could tell. The very basics of fusion technology were being carried out within its cool concrete walls. Not nearly advanced enough to power a warp engine though. She guessed Kalidos was still about fifty to seventy years away.

She was impressed by the compactness of the components - the reaction chambers and batteries were all much more advanced than she had anticipated. It was the only element that stood out in the otherwise normal power facility. She examined one with a Kalidosi scanner and frowned. “I can’t tell the composition of this.” She shook her head and turned to Sorowen and the power plant manager who was accompanying them. “However it's made, this is very impressive.” 

“It’s the Lemopium, Captain,” the manager said, quite bursting with pride. “Couldn’t run this place half as efficiently without it. We got contingency plans to try of course. But the batteries in particular just can't be built right without it. And the reactor components would need to be twice as big.” 

_Lemopium_ the word rolled around her brain like a tumbleweed. She furrowed her brow. “What is that?” 

“Lemop Lunar Enterprises discovered it on the moon ages ago,” the manager said. “Brilliant little element. Of course we don’t have it natural here. Gotta get it from beyond that wormhole now.” 

Kathryn turned to Sorowen. “Any relation to General Lemop?” 

“It’s his family business,” Sorowen supplied. “Got famous off that moon discovery. I don’t think they’re still a major player with shipping it,” 

“They’re our largest contractor,” the manager said. “Patented all the components that use the element so we get good deals when we go directly to them.” 

“You do, do you?” Kathryn tapped the scanner on her palm. “And the Presider sent the General to negotiate with the people who _clearly_ dont want you to have this element?” 

“I… I guess he’s thinking Lemop can most easily tell them why we need it,” Sorowen suggested.

Kathryn shook her head and crouched to scan the batteries from a different angle. She fiddled with the scanner and tried again. It still could not tell her anything about the lemopium inside. Kathryn frowned and rubbed the bridge of her nose. There were few elements that could give a scanner like this trouble. She yearned for a tricorder or better yet, her ships advanced scanning capabilities.

When Kathryn stood, she swayed as the movement made the room spin. 

"Captain!" Sorowen steadied her elbow.

"Mm-fine." she insisted. She looked around.

The gecko was sitting atop the head of one of the plant's workers as they wheeled a heavy looking container into a side room. Kathryn saw fog roll out of the room as the doors opened. The gecko chirped, its scales darkened as it scurried away.

"That room is refrigerated," she commented.

"Yes - we keep spare components for the reactor chamber and batteries in there. Very important to keep those cold during transport - Lemopium gets a bit unstable left on its own. It’s got to be kept very cold.

Kathryn's eyebrows rose. "It sounds familiar… I know an element like that." She furrowed her brows and huffed. The Federation’s word for this seemed to be just on the tip of her tongue, damnit!

"We use it at the hospital as well," Sorowen said. "It's ideal for containing viral agents. But it’s um… not nearly as concentrated." He gulped. "You-you don't think the Ridonians would target _our hospitals_ too!"

Kathryn sighed in frustration. Her head was fuzzy. She was sure she was familiar with this element. Warning bells were going off in her mind, but the clues setting them off were hazy, passing through her brain and then sinking away as though each thought were being gobbled up by quicksand.

"Whatever this element is, is it the reason these attacks on your power plants are so devastating?" she asked.

The power plant manager nodded. "The attack the other day destabilized the Lemopium… weakened all the metal in the surrounding buildings within a 5 kilometer radius of the plant" the manager revealed. "They definitely target Lemopium on purpose. The Ridonians do it to cause us as much damage as possible."

"Captain," Sorowen said. "You see why we need shielding… wouldn't it help us negotiate if the Ridonians had less ability to attack us."

Kathryn clenched her jaw. "Or you could move the components with this element to another location," she said, waving a hand at the large, refrigerated room. "Spreading it out would prevent an attack from having a large scale impact."

"But they could still target the Lemopium," Sorowen worried.

Kathryn shook her head. "It's more likely that they detect your storage rooms by the abnormal temperature," she said. "If your Lemopium was spread out in smaller concentrations... underground or with temperature masking… that would prevent cold seeking weapons from finding it."

"If… the Presider approves," the manager laughed nervously. "I gotta tell yah: I don’t like to move that stuff too much, but I guess… worth a shot"

Kathryn relaxed. A solution that didn't require any technological exchange. But the element itself still troubled her. She held onto the Kalidosi scanner when they left the plant, she brought it to the hospital canteen that evening armed with padds and a liter of sweetbrew, obsessing for hours over the inconclusive results. 

* * *

Sorowen found her in the hospital canteen at dawn, a padd in one hand and the scanner in the other. "Have you been up all night?" he frowned.

Kathryn looked up, eyes hazy and cheeks flushed with fever. "Was I?" she looked around the empty room. "Well it beat trying to sleep. I can't figure it out" She waved her arm weakly at the padds and scanner strewn before her. But her strength gave out; her arm flopped on the table.

"Can’t figure what out?" Sorowen asked. 

"The lemopium," she said. "There are… 324 known elements… and I can't figure out which one it is."

Sorowen frowned and scanned her. He gasped softly. " _102 degrees_!"

"No - negative 200" she tapped one of the padds. "For the decoys."

"Huh?"

Kathryn rubbed her eyes. "Wont give… shielding" she yawned and wagged her finger at him. "Want to... help, but too many offensive uses." She gestured to a padd on the table. "Decoy power plants… emitting a temperature signature of -200⁰, the same as your storage rooms... to confuse Ridonians. You can… also spread out your lemopium and mask the temperature signatures like this." she waved another padd and blinked blurrily around. "Is there coffee?"

Sorowen looked nervously at his scans. After a night of no sleep at all, she was deteriorating more rapidly than he had guessed. "I think you should try to rest Captain," he said. 

"Sleep doesn't work," she sighed. "What's wrong with me?"

"You skipped a rest cycle" Sorowen said, helping her out of her chair and guiding her back to her room. "And now you're much worse than I predicted. Y-you you need to stay well until we h-have shields, a-and then I can fix this"

Kathryn stumbled as they walked. "Wait…" she tried to glare up at him but struggled to keep her eyes open. "You… know what's wrong with me?" she slurred.

"I… no. No! But I see that clearly, contrary to your assumption, rest still does you some good."

Her words and coordination were failing her. Kathryn fell onto her bed with a sigh. Her head listed to the side.

Sorowen hesitated, pulling the dream-blocking hypospray from his pocket. "We need this technology," he worried. And then he studied the designs she had shown him. Excitement filled him. There were schematics on it. It looked like they would only generate false temperature signatures, but it was progress! His programming was finally working! "Maybe… just one more day," he murmured, considering the hypo in his hand. "I’m sure we can convince her to give us more technology."

He injected a fresh dose of the drug that prevented her dreams into the Captain’s wrist.

"D-dont worry," he rushed out, writing up an order that she remain resting as long as possible. He had to ensure her mind remained sharp. "Just another day and then you can have the unconscious thoughts again." He gulped as he stared down at the sleeping captain. "And… I'll… try to get you back to your people." 

he looked at the padd with the shakily made schematics in his hand. He hastened off to the Presiders office. The sooner they began implementing the Captain's work the sooner he could let her resume her species "dreams".

* * *

Kathryn jolted awake when a laugh outside her room startled her out of her fitful sleep. She heard a hiss near the window and rolled towards it

The snake was sitting on the windowsill, tail poking against the glass. She peered out. It was bright outside. She had clearly slept a long time, though she didn’t feel any less exhausted.

She squinted. There was something new outside her window. Four large cranes had gone up around the power plant, each pulling a tower into place. Kathryn frowned and got out of bed. Those looked like the designs she had given Sorowen to create “decoy power plants” intended to go along with her suggestion to spread out their lemopium. She’d thought they would spread such towers around unpopulated areas. What did they intend to do with these?

She threw back her bed covers.

“Captain,” a nurse rushed in as she got out of bed. “The doctor said you should rest today.” 

“Where is he?” Kathryn demanded. The nurse tried to stop her, but Kathryn dodged past her. 

“He-he’s off shift - Captain,” the Nurse moved to block the door. “You haven’t been resting well. The Doctor insisted you stay here.” 

“That’s not going to happen,” Kathryn said. She was much shorter than any of the Kalidosi. She easily ducked under the nurse’s arm and slipped out the door. “Either get me some caffeine or stay out of my way,” she said as she strode out of the ward.

As she moved through the halls a, she heard an alarm. the intercom flared to life and she heard her nurse’s voice announce a “code yellow, neuro ward.” - that was most certainly about her! Kathryn looked around. The gecko chirped, drawing her attention. He was scuttling through the propped open doorway of a supply room. Kathryn slipped inside.

She scanned the rows of shelves - there was a hospital worker on a ladder in the back of the room, and a plastic ID card on the floor that must have fallen off his coat. Kathryn crept across the room and swiped it up.

Kathryn saw more movement from the corner of her eye. It was the snake moving towards a second exit on the left to “staff only” stairwell. Kathryn pressed the ID card to the reader next to the door. The lock clicked, letting her out this less monitored escape route. She rushed down it, out the ground floor exit. The stairway let out behind the military hospital, with a shuttle stop on the street right outside of it. This street, she remembered, led right up to the Presider’s residence. She forced her tired body to jog down to the street as a shuttle approached and hopped on. She could see the cranes around the powerplant more clearly now. She didn’t know what they were doing with her designs, but it clearly wasn't what she’d intended. She was going to get to the bottom of this.

* * *

Kathryn didn’t spare a glance for the Presider’s secretary. She heard voices coming from the inner office and stormed down the hall towards them. Inside the room was the Presider, speaking into a pager.

The padd of decoy designs was on the table. Kathryn darted forwards and snatched it up. She squinted at the Padd - they had changed her designs. “These were meant to generate a cold signature,” she said, waving it. “You’ve made them produce a heat reading instead!”

“Correct,” the Presider said, setting his pager down and smiling at her. “Sorowen said you wanted to hide our Lemopium underground and create decoys. It is a good idea, Captain, but I agree with our power-plant manager. Lemopium is too unstable to risk adding a long transport each time our power plant needs a new shipment.” The Presider pulled back the curtain on his window. His office had a better view of the plant. She could see all four metal towers much clearer. “So we adjusted your designs. Now the powerplant will be hidden. The heat mask will hide the colder rooms of Lemopium.

Kathryn shook her head. “They will find another way to locate your powerplant, Presider,” she criticized. “Spreading out your lemopium, setting up decoys - that’s the best way to ensure these attacks don't devastate your cities.”

“Oh we will still create the decoys, but as we are in a ceasefire, I decided this should come first.” 

Another thought occurred to Kathryn as she stared at the revised schematics. “If this element is so unstable then how can you move it through the wormhole?” she questioned. 

“A necessary risk,” the Presider reasoned. “We ship it in large quantities to minimize the number of necessary trips. As long as it is properly stored and kept cold enough, we do not encounter problems.” 

“Your wormhole is gravitationally linked to your sun!” Kathryn said, aghast. “Any...risk to it… risks the stability of your orbit or even the stability of your sun.” 

“Our scientists have looked into that,” the Presider said. “They assure me it's safe.” 

“Have they conducted experiments to prove it - beyond a doubt?” 

The Presider frowned and rubbed his noses. “Well there is only one wormhole and one star. We don’t have the technology to simulate those. But they’ve generated plenty of theories and studied the nature of the element. They don’t think it will be a danger. I can show the latest report to you.” 

Kathryn’s fatigue dragged her down into a chair as the Presider called his secretary to bring the relevant report to the office. She rubbed her ring finger. Something about their descriptions of lemopium didn’t sit right with her. But she still couldn’t place why it sounded familiar. 

“Here we are,” the Presider said, handing Kathryn a padd with a report on it. 

She squinted at the screen, skimming through the information. The words were hard to read. She closed her eyes and massaged the bridge of her nose, willing herself to maintain focus. When she opened them the words were somewhat clearer. She tabbed through the report to the summary of studies on lemopium. 

She had to read the information three times, focusing on the atomic composition and the element properties, before she realized what they called this in the Federation.

“You’re using _invidium_!” she exclaimed, standing up. “There’s no situation where that wouldn’t be harmful!” She huffed. “No wonder your neighbors are trying to keep you away from that wormhole.” 

The Presider frowned. “What do you mean?” 

Kathryn slammed the padd down on the table. “If your temperature storage units malfunctioned even _slightly_ and - the nature of the wormhole itself makes that more likely - then active indivium could interact with the wormhole, potentially destabilizing the whole thing.” She waved a hand out the bright window, towards their sun. “It is so close to your star that if it destabilizes, it could disrupt the integrity of the whole solar system. Forget a planet without power. You might find yourself with a planet that can’t sustain life.” 

The Presider’s orange skin turned nearly white. “Oh my...”   
“Your neighbors probably know that,” Kathryn said. “And they might have told you, if you would have decided to talk to them.” She narrowed her eyes. “Who recommended the non-communication policy?” 

The Presider gulped. “M-my predecessor… Presider Lemop.” 

Kathryn’s eyebrows shot up. “Any relation to your general… or the company who profits off your use of invidium?” 

The Presider fumbled for his pager. “I’m going to recall the General,” he said. “Knowing this, I don’t think he will conduct negotiations in good faith.” 

As he began to speak into the pager though, an alarm blared to life around the office. 

The pager crackled to life. “Presider! General Lemop has gone AWOL!” someone announced through the pager. “He’s commanded a hundred fighters to dive bomb the Ridonian capital!” 

“ _What!”_

“He said a show of force would help our position when we started negotiating for use of the wormhole!” 

“Stop him!” 

“I can’t, Sir! His ships have already breached the Ridonian atmosphere! Their three largest destroyers are currently redirecting right towards our orbit!” 

Just then, the sky outside dimmed. Kathryn and the Presider looked out the window in time to see the large shadow of a Ridonian destroyer blocking out the sun.

“They think we broke the ceasefire,” the Presider realized. His noses were trembling. He moved to Kathryn as two soldiers threw the office doors open. “Captain, with me - we have to get to the bunker,” he looked at his soldiers. “Get the towers around the power plant online. We have to hide our lemopium supply.” 

“Hide it - No!” Kathryn argued as she followed the soldiers and the Presider. “You need to get it out of the city.” 

“No - I’m sorry I can’t. It is vital to our power and medical technologies. If we move it they may destroy it.” 

“If those towers don't fool them and that power-plant blows, it could kill thousands in this city!” Kathryn argued.

“Then hopefully they mask its location,” the Presider said. He spoke into his pager. “Mobilize all our experimental defenses,” he was saying as he and a throng of guards ushered Kathryn out of the room. “Center them around - gahhh!” 

He shouted and stumbled. Kathryn fell onto the floor as the building around them rumbled. Portraits fell from the walls and overhead, a glass skylight shattered. Kathryn rolled clear of the falling glass as soldiers converged on the Presider, covering him.

“Sir.” She saw one of the soldiers turn peachy as he listened to his pager. “They’re attacking the city sir!” 

“The powerplant?” 

“No - there’s no target. They’re attacking indiscriminately!” 

“Let me hail them!” Kathryn said, getting to her feet. “We’ve got to tell them this is a big misunderstanding! Send ships to stop Lemop before he makes this worse.” 

The Presider looked at her as he was helped to his feet, staring shell shocked at the glass now covering the floor. “I think… I think this has gone too far for talking to help, Captain. Lemop’s gotten what he wanted.” He gulped. “Commander,” he addressed one of his soldiers. “Keep mobilizing all our defensive options. And get all our ships in the air. Our best hope now is to take out those destroyers.” 

“What about Lemop, Sir?” 

The Presider shook his head. “Let him continue, if he’s lucky they’ll retreat to defend their own.”

He looked over at her. “I’m sorry, Captain.” 

Kathryn was about to reply when she felt a tap on her shoulder. The snake was curled around her bicep. It pointed its tail up, towards the broken skylight.

She stared up, squinting. Seeing bright beams from energy weapons searing across the sky and then, as they moved passed, something silver streaked by high overhead. It was smaller than the destroyers. She watched it circle high in the atmosphere, goosebumps rose on the back of her neck as she recognized the twin blue streaks of familiar warp nacelles.

“ _Voyager,”_ she whispered. Her heart was thundering against her ribs. It had survived! She had to get to it.

“Captain, the bunker is this way!” she heard someone call.

But she ran away from them, towards the exit of the residence. All the Kalidosi were rushing in the opposite direction. No one spared a glance for her. She made it to the main doors and threw them open.

And stepped out into chaos.

The looming shadows of three large destroyers crowded out the sun across the entire city - intermittent phaser and tricobalt beams tore across the city, razing the ground as explosions of fire and smoke billowed up from the impact of torpedoes. Tall buildings were falling and a cloud of dust and smoke was being spit up by the attacks; the smoke rose, but the dust clung low to the ground, flooding the streets like a noxious fog.

Kathryn saw the gecko dart between her legs and down the steps. She followed it into the fog, one hand pressed to her mouth. She kept her eyes on the sky as she went for a hint of her ship, but soon the smoke and dust had converged thick enough that she could barely see at all.

Kathryn suddenly found herself alone amid deafening blasts and sickening screams, surrounded on all sides by the thick grey dust, clinging to her and stinging her eyes. She spun around. _Voyager_ wouldn't be able to scan for her without her combadge. She needed a way to make contact.

The gecko chirped as it walked out from between her feet, its bright green body clear despite the thick grey fog. It walked through the dust cloud and Kathryn followed at a jog, the spirit weaving back and forth around hidden debris. The dust made her cough and her eyes sting. It was making her dizzy. Frequently she stopped - to catch her breath or get her bearings. Each time the gecko appeared at her side and tugged the laces of her boots, urging her onwards. 

Soon the dust cloud dwindled, revealing signs and buildings. She recognized this street! It led back to the military hospital. Lemop kept his office there. There would surely be a way to communicate with ships in orbit. Kathryn picked up the pace. She could hail _Voyager_.

Kathryn pressed onwards, the fatigue was mounting as she moved. Her feet were heavy as they thudded along the street, dodging falling debris and fleeing Kalidosi.

At last she could see the concrete face of the hospital ahead. Kathryn powered onwards, one foot in front of the other. Tears had now flooded her stinging eyes and she moved half-blindly forwards.

Suddenly, a shadow rose out of the smoke. A giant serpentine body that reared up, blocking the road. Kathryn stumbled to a halt.

Then the snake spirit surged towards her, hissing urgently. Kathryn stumbled backwards and heard a whistling overhead. She felt the air crackling, smelling of sulphur. Blue light from a tricobalt device exploded behind the snake, tearing into the spot where Kathryn had been and converging on the hospital, devouring it.

The snake shrank down to size, moving towards her and coiling her tail around Kathryn's wrist, dragging her along. Kathryn coughed and wheezed and followed the snake into an open street, free for the moment of the noxious dust. Kathryn looked up. She could still see the hulking shadows of two ridonian warships - but no _Voyager_. 

There was a frantic chirp from her right. Kathryn turned and moved towards it and felt a rush of air behind her as part of a building crumbled into the street. She tripped and stumbled further from it. The spirits, she realized, were urging her towards the main square, an open area. If _Voyager_ really was overhead, then that might be the best place to pick up her lifesigns. She followed the spirits, changing course more than once as they urged her away from lasers, explosions, and falling buildings.

Finally Kathryn reached the main square, a tall building had collapsed right across the area, causing cobblestones to explode outwards and cleaving the area in two. The spa she had visited only days ago was a smoking ruin. The dust and smoke were thick here, and the wind pushed them towards her. The fog rose swiftly over her head, choking her. Kathryn stumbled over the rough ground. she needed to be higher, in clear air. She moved towards the metal corpse of the collapsed building and began climbing. Her hands shook as she reached for the top of the rubble the snake coiled her tail around Kathryn's wrist, hauling her up.

She knelt on a warped steel beam atop the ruin, panting. The spirits had vanished. She stood and turned around, breath catching as she spotted them. They were running away from the square, into a cloud of dust that was rolling out of an adjacent street. Kathryn hesitated. Should she keep following them?

She looked overhead. Here, Voyager might find her?

She saw the gecko and the snake lingering at the mouth of the foggy street and swore, climbing down the building and moving to them. 

As she moved away from the square she saw a figure in the fog, limping towards her. Kathryn stumbled back and raised her fists. It was a Kalidosi man now just a block away from her. But spirits ran to him as he emerged, coughing, from the thickest fog. They disappeared into his body.

Wind blew the fog away from them and Kathryn got a closer look. The man was quite short for a Kalidosi, and his military green garb was slightly off from the uniforms she'd become familiar with. She stared at his broad shoulders and the too-perfect orange of his skin. 

Then he looked up and she saw his brown eyes widen. "Thank the spirits," he rasped. And tapped something on his wrist.

At once his orange skin faded to a warm brown, his two thin noses vanished, revealing one, very human crooked one. Kathryn’s heart stuttered in her chest as she saw the tattoo over his left brow.

But he couldn't be here! It was like before. Kathryn sobbed and backed away. She was hallucinating again. Just like she was hallucinating their spirit guides. She’d probably hallucinated _Voyager_ too. She looked up at the shadowed sky. No one was coming for her...

" _Kathryn_!"

She froze. Her eyes darted to the hallucination of Chakotay as he limped closer to her. His eyes never left hers.

"Kathryn it's me!"

Kathryn…

It should have felt wrong - in her memory, he called her Kath. 

“Kathryn!”

It didnt fit, she couldnt explain it, and yet this was the first thing that had felt right since she had woken up here 13 days ago. Kathryn ran towards him. There was no reason to hallucinate him limping or dressed as a Kalidosi or calling her her full name. But he was. Somehow, he was here. 

"Chakotay!" she croaked as she moved to him. He held out his arms and she threw herself at him, heart soaring as she collapsed against his warm, solid chest instead of empty air. 

Chakotay grunted, stumbling to his knees as he caught her. He smelled like sweat and smoke and she pressed her face into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent. reveling in the overwhelming proof that he existed here, alive, outside her head. She felt his pulse, steady and strong. He was alive. God he was alive!

Kathryn didn’t think past the need to celebrate it. She pulled back and, as he started to speak, pressed a hard kiss to her fiancé's lips.

Chakotay froze, making a questioning noise before he began to kiss her back. When she pulled away, he raised his eyebrows and cupped her face. "Are you alright?"

"Y-yes." She mirrored him, cupping his face in both hands. "And you're alright?"

He nodded.

"Is _Voyager?_ "

"Voyager's safe. Missing her Captain, but we're going to fix that."

She sighed in relief and then blushed. "Oh Chakotay, I'm so sorry… I lost your ring."

He frowned and dropped his hands from her cheeks to her shoulders, pushing her back and looking her up and down. "Kathryn… you don't wear a ring."

"Of course I do!" Her face crumbled. "I forget when but you made one… I'm sure you did!" Her eyes welled up. "You mean I don’t _wear_ it?” 

"Shh..." Chakotay pressed a hand to her forehead and then pulled her close. "It's alright, Kathryn," he said. "Let's get you to Sickbay… then we’ll find your ring…" he pulled his combadge from his pocket as she laid her head once more against his neck. He hissed. “You’re burning up.”

She nodded, flinching as a blast went off in a street close by.

"Chakotay to Kim," he ordered. "Two to beam to Sickbay..."


	6. Epilogue: Much Ado About A Ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A much deserved JC moment as Kathryn winds down from her ordeal

Kathryn yawned as she entered Chakotay's quarters three days later, hand massaging the persistent ache in her neck.

"Still tired?" he chuckled as he looked up from where he was setting the table. 

"I swear I could sleep for a year," she groaned, sitting in the chair he pulled out for her. "Remind me why I'm doing this?"

"Because it's the right thing to do," he said, eyes twinkling as he filled her wine glass. 

Kathryn accepted the glass with a grateful smile, and Chakotay squeezed her shoulder before moving to his own chair. 

It had been an eventful 3 days. The doctor had taken one scan of her upon arrival and promptly pressed a sedative to her neck. She'd slept a solid 13 hours and had woken up with the memory of a very vivid dream still fresh in her mind: of Chakotay giving a philosophy lecture on Kalidos while Mark took notes wearing Maquis leathers. It had taken moments after waking for the onslaught of true memories to fit themselves into place.

"And how is our guest?" Chakotay asked, drawing her out of her thoughts

She snorted. "Wearing a hole in the brig and demanding counsel." She smirked. "He was most upset to learn he’ll be tried on Ridos. He really shouldn't be complaining. Their laws will provide him better defense counsel." 

Chakotay was looking at her funny, eyes focused on her left hand. She frowned. “What.”

“You seem to have picked up a new nervous tick,” he said, raising his own left hand and rubbing his thumb across his ring finger. “Is this some cultural gesture on Kalidos?” 

Kathryn flushed and busied her left hand with her fork. “No just an itch,” she lied. He raised an eyebrow at her as he drank his wine, but didn’t press her.

She'd dealt with her feelings about realizing she was not, in fact, engaged to Chakotay by burying them with work. From the moment she'd woken up in sickbay, Kathryn had donned the Captain's mask and got down to business, the EMH squawking after her the whole way. Over the last three days, she had arrested General Lemop, and with him in custody, had all but frog marched Kalidos’ Presider, Ridos’ Monarch, and a slew of their ships’ captains and scientists to her briefing room for a rather frank discussion.

"I suppose it's really a good thing in the end," Kathryn mused at the end of their meal, swirling the last of her wine while Chakotay cleared the table. "If I hadn't been down there for two weeks, if I hadn't told him the dangers of introducing invidium to the wormhole, I doubt the Presider would have listened to the Ridonians’ points."

Chakotay returned from the recycler and pulled her out of her chair, rubbing her arm, he said: "You had your mind manipulated so that you thought you'd lost the entire ship and crew. I'm glad they've come to terms, but you don't have to ignore what they did to you for the sake of these talks."

"I'm not ignoring," she assured him. "I'm just…" she sighed, staring into her nearly empty glass. "I need to deal with things as the Captain right now."

"Alright," Chakotay conceded. "Well then there is coffee… decaf, but I thought you'd still appreciate it."

Kathryn groaned as she moved to his couch and flopped onto it, eyeing the steaming mug. "The Doctor got to you, then," she accused. "Just one cup!" she wheedled as he sat down beside her. "Please - I haven't had real coffee in weeks!"

He smiled at her apologetically and tugged his ear. "In three days… Doctor’s orders. Apparently you had enough caffiene and adrenaline in your system to power a small shuttle" he grinned. "In the meantime if you don't want this…" he leaned over, reaching for the mug of decaf. 

Kathryn swiped it up and curled around it, guarding it jealously as Chakotay laughed. "Don't you dare," she said. "This is still a hell of a lot better than what I’ve had to subsist on." She lifted the mug to her mouth and yawned again, blushing.

Chakotay frowned in concern. "Have you slept at all since you left sickbay?" he asked. 

She chuckled. "I caught a power nap between catching Lemop and dragging the Kalidosi and Ridonians to the table by their noses… God - it was just 40 minutes, but I felt more rested than I have the entire time I was on Kalidos." Kathryn drank deeply from the coffee mug, moaning at the taste. 

"You were burning up when I found you," Chakotay said. "And your heart was racing… was that from not sleeping?"

"Something like that," Kathryn said as she nursed her coffee, eyes drinking in the decorations in his quarters, so unique and warm, impossible for Kalidos to program. She wrapped herself in the security his space offered. "Kalidosi don't dream, and according to the Doctor, mine were disrupting their attempts to brainwash me, so they prevented me from dreaming. It didn't occur to them that it was a vital process." She shook her head. "I'm a bit unnerved by how many of the side effects the Doctor rattled off are ones I've been experiencing. I even hallucinated…"

She trailed off as her eyes saw something tucked into the shadows of his quarters - his medicine wheel was set up against the wall right behind his desk. She hadn't seen it in a while. "What is that for?" she asked.

Chakotay smiled. “When you went missing, I took a vision quest. We didn't have a clue where you were at first and I thought maybe my spirit guide could help me put together the clues… of course she didn’t appear,” he shook his head. “I saw a lizard instead, I thought it might be another guide at first, which I didn’t think was possible.” He tugged his ear. “I wish I’d paid more attention when my Father taught me. Anyways it was wandering around in a fog… I know, not exactly a very clear vision, is it?” he chuckled. “I’m sorry this must sound like nonsense to you.” 

“No,” she rasped, reaching out and covering his hand. “Please, what did you see?” 

A little startled by her touch, Chakotay covered her hand and continued. “Well… it was just that. I took it to mean perhaps something had happened - that you were lost or maybe you didn’t know you should be looking for us… anyway. I set the wheel up for you. I hoped it would help guide you back.” 

She gaped and looked across at the wheel and then down at their clasped hands atop his knee. He bent to catch her eye. “I’m sorry… did I overstep.” 

“Ah - no, of course not… I’m just…” she bit her lip. “The doctor said I was hallucinating, but…” she shook her head. “I’m not so sure.” 

“Something the great Kathryn Janeway can’t explain,” he teased. 

“Something like that,” she said. She turned her head up, wanting to ask if his spirit guide was a snake. And found herself almost nose to nose with him. Her breath hitched. 

Both of them pulled back, blushes spreading across their cheeks. Kathryn busied herself making an intense study of her cup of decaf. Chakotay cleared his throat and stood up. “Anyways…” he walked over to the medicine wheel, moving the stone markers back into the center. “I’m glad you found your way back.” 

“I wouldn’t have without you,” Kathryn whispered, lost in thought. Had his medicine wheel brought his spirits to her? Had it just been incredible luck that helped her find him amid the battle?

She felt the couch dip and then Chakotay's comforting hand on her shoulder. She relaxed against him, sighing and resting her head on his shoulder. 

“I’m curious.” Chakotay said. “Um… Why were you so… preoccupied about a ring when I found you?” 

“Aren't you more curious why I kissed you?” Kathryn laughed, sipping her drink to try to hide the blush on her face. “It was silly. I really should have known.” She looked up at him, and sighed, returning her gaze to her coffee as she explained: “The Kalidosi technology clearly wasn’t designed for a human brain. The false memories made you out to be my fiancé… amongst other things: Tuvok expressing emotions, Harry as a Lieutenant, my original helm officer... clearly they struggled to adapt their technology to me." She looked down at her coffee. “I couldn't understand how you could be my fiancé, but I didn’t have your ring. Because I was so sure if we were engaged, you’d have given me one.” She shook her head “I even imagined what it must have looked like. I was convinced I had lost it somewhere.”

He raised his eyebrows, smiling. “And what did you imagine was my taste in rings,” he teased. “Giant diamonds? Did it have my tattoo on it?” 

She laughed and slapped his chest. “Oh come on, I may have been brainwashed, but I think I know you better than that.” She closed her eyes. “I guess I figured you’d have to have gotten a ring… you have a traditionalist streak. But you would have gone to great lengths to make sure it was something I could be convinced to wear on duty.” She smiled. “Tritanium band, because it would have reminded me of Voyager and it’s a hell of a lot more durable than gold… no big diamonds. I thought you’d get really small gems, actually, maybe some of the kind we found on New Earth… I pictured it having an inscription… too…” 

Kathryn sipped her tea and looked over at him, wanting to lighten the mood with a joke or see how accurate her guess was. But Chakotay had turned away from her. He was tugging his ear. She frowned. “What is it?” she asked. “Does… does that sound ridiculously not like you.” She frowned. “Just one more thing the Kalidosi put in my head, then.”

Chakotay sighed. “No… wait here.”

She frowned as he stood and moved to his bedroom. She sat up straight on his couch. When Chakotay returned, he had something behind his back. He stopped right in front of her, tugging his ear. He refused to meet her eyes. And he was blushing. 

“What is it?” she whispered.

“You’re head’s just fine, Kathryn,” he said. And she watched him take his arm from behind his back, revealing a small, black velvet box. She reached out to take it as he said: “you just know me too damn well.”

Kathryn stared up at him and then set her coffee down on the coffee table. She opened the box. There, nestled inside, was a tritanium ring, the right size to fit her finger. She picked it out, noting tiny blue gems she recognized from New Earth, five inlaid between words that wrapped around the band. 

_ You are my true peace. _

Chakotay shifted in front of her, uncertain. He was looking out the window. 

“Chakotay,” she whispered.

He looked down at her, meeting her eyes with his own. At a loss for words, Kathryn patted the couch beside her. Chakotay sat quickly, as if afraid she’d change her mind and banish him from his own quarters.

He gasped as she shifted closer to him, tucking herself against him and leaning her head tiredly on his chest. He sighed in relief and wrapped an arm around her, watching her play with the gleaming ring. 

“I wonder what Tuvok would say if I wore this to the bridge tomorrow,” she mused.

Chakotay stared down at her. “I haven’t asked the question,” he rasped.

“Will you?” 

He gaped, struggling for words. “Will.. will you say  _ yes _ ?” 

She stared at the ring. “I’m so  _ tired  _ of pretending, ” she twisted to look up at him. “And I’m tired of losing you, Chakotay,” she confessed. 

He brushed her hair back from her face and smiled sadly. He kissed her forehead and then, softly, her lips. “Don’t worry,” he murmured. “I’m not going anywhere.”


End file.
